I'm struggling now in my 30's with my miscarriage when I was 18. What is bringing it back is I just experienced my 3rd miscarriage.

The first happened with my first love. He was everything perfect. We were perfect. I met him when I was a senior in high school at my 18th birthday. He was getting his masters degree and was my cousins boss. We instantly clicked. Our faith, sports, hobbies, family. Our souls connected. He asked me to marry him. I said no. I accepted a college offer out of state. Before graduation I found out I was pregnant. I didn't tell him for 3 months. He was so excited. He had a plan for us. I was so scared but loved him. My stress was so bad and I was taking care of my mom she had cancer and almost died in surgery. I was at the hospital alone when the doctors told me my mom wasn't doing well. I fell to my knees in the waiting room. I felt a horrible sharp pain. I lost my baby that night. My boyfriend never forgave me for me putting my family first and I had been working and so stressed out taking care of my mom. He felt if I wouldn't have been taking care of my mom I wouldn't have lost our baby. He and I couldn't figure it out between us anymore. We were broken. We tried even to date years later and we really did try as we loved eachother but there was too much hurt. I never told my family about the baby. He did and it has caused some issues for me.

Years later now my husband and I had a miscarriage after we got married. Then we had two boys. I just had my 3rd miscarriage this fall.

I'm finding myself in a deep grief and fear. Family is prying and asking about a rumor they heard when I was 18. Family is now talking about all my miscarriages some in a loving way and some not. I'm finding everything really hard. I'm scared my husband and me will have a rift that can't be healed like me and my ex. I'm scared I won't get pregnant again and I'm scared I might. I'm grieving my children.

Has anyone had multiple miscarriage with different partners and or relationships and you are struggling with that?

My husband is being amazing and has even talked and had warm conversations about my first loss. In the back of my mind I'm worried he won't love me I it happens again. We are currently trying and I'm scared. The last miscarriage I felt like he was grieving so hard I had to keep it together for us and I'm not sure I can do that again.