Posting here in the hope that getting all my thoughts out will be cathartic. My husband and I have been TTC baby #2 for 9 months, recently received a PCOS diagnosis, and just got a BFN after my first cycle on letrozole/ovidrel. Until then, I was feeling so hopeful that the diagnosis and meds would change things.

I am consumed with guilt. All around me, girlfriends are getting pregnant and having babies. I am thrilled for them, but every new announcement causes me heartache, followed by guilt that I can’t just be happy for them and put thoughts of myself aside. I dare not tell them what I am going through because I don’t want to steal their joy. I try talking to my husband, but he doesn’t understand the shame and hopelessness I feel every morning after taking an OPK or HCG test and seeing my body is not working the way it’s supposed to. I feel I am letting down my son, who should have a sibling and is running out of time to have the same closeness I had with my own sibling. And more than anything, I feel guilty that I feel this way when I have it so much better than others and ask myself why I can’t just be grateful for the beautiful family I already have.

I hear all the time that it happens when you stop trying, that I should put my faith in the universe and it’ll happen when it’s supposed to. I don’t know how I’m supposed to relax when I’m injecting myself with hormones, and I’m told its impossible that I’ll conceive without them. I am emotionally exhausted. I don’t know where I go from here.