It hasn’t been long since we had the discussion that you weren’t ready for a committed relationship and just decided to stay friends since we only got to the “I really like you” stage.

I fell fast and hard for you so when you said you couldn’t be in a committed relationship along with having different religious beliefs, it honestly broke me.

You were the first person that I really connected with and felt incredibly safe with and someone who I could truly be myself with and feel like I wouldn’t be judged for things, who I could tell my most embarrassing things to, and I did. And you shared things back and there is and was such a deep connection there. You were the first person to ever show any romantic attraction and feelings towards me and I actually felt comfortable talking about sex with you and normally I can’t due to my trauma.

And you were so accepting of any and everything and so, so understanding and had such patience with me when I told you I had never dated anyone and said we’d take things as slow as they needed to be because you always wanted to make sure I was comfortable. But then you said you couldn’t be in a relationship and all those sweet things you said, all those compliments, all those times you were flirty with me and made me blush, all those times you said I made you blush because of something I said, all those times you were comforting, just vanished.

We never even started dating but it felt like we broke up because it felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest and I sobbed and sobbed. I still want to cry because it hurts so much because I know all we’ll probably ever continue to be is friends; and that breaks my heart all over again.

You’re so incredibly sweet, kind, funny, smart, adorable, attractive, attentive, thoughtful, amazing, I feel like there’s not enough words to describe how incredible you are and how my feelings are towards you.

I love still being friends with you and having someone so amazing in my life, but I’m absolutely terrified my romantic feelings towards you will never go away and that will end up possibly ruin things or I’ll always have some type of pain in my chest.

It’s also messed up for me to keep wishing at some point you’ll say you think you can look past our differences in religious beliefs, but I know you won’t because that’s a big thing for you to have in a partner is the same beliefs and core values. But I still hope just one day you’ll say “I never stopped liking you and thinking I’m ready for a committed relationship”, but that’s delusional to think about.

Truthfully I could see from very early on you weren’t ready for a committed relationship because of other things in your life and just due to the fact that we’re in different states. I wanted to take things slow because this was all so new for me.

I think I love you AJ, and I pray that that love with turn into platonic love and will stop being romantic because my heart continues to ache and I want that pain to go away.

I thought you were going to be a lot of “firsts” for me, and I think you thought that you’d be a lot of firsts for me as well… but that isn’t going to be the case.

And I know if you knew all this and how I truly still feel, and how my heart hurts, that it’d make you feel bad or sad in some way because during that conversation when I said it stings you didn’t want to be in a relationship and my heart hurt, you told me the last thing you wanted to ever do was hurt me…

Everything is still so fresh so I sincerely hope for my own sake that these feelings I have for you will go away and all I have towards you in the future is just platonic love and platonic feelings towards you and for you because you’re still an amazing person to have as a friend.

You’ll never see this confession, but I had to get it out…