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I distinctly remember sitting down with my husband and telling him I think we should divorce and he should find a better wife and mom for our kids. I was serious. It was depression talking, and also I was basically taking everything on myself and not asking for help because I felt like I should just be able to do this. But I needed sleep, a hot meal, alone time, etc. We both kind of brushed it off until one day I had a break down and almost went to the hospital, I was screaming and crying uncontrollably. My husband finally got it (not his fault he didnt get it before because I was mostly suffering in silence, like you) and really stepped up, did night shifts, watched them so I could do errands alone etc and it made a big difference. You need to speak up and insist on help. I gets better, my youngest is 4 and Im like a whole different mom.
I’m so done
I have a gash and a bruise on my forehead. When my husband asked what happened, I told him I tripped over one of our daughter’s toys. I don’t feel like I can tell him the truth, which is that I was so frustrated with both my kids this morning that I banged my head against the wall. I am so overwhelmed having a toddler and a newborn. In that moment I started to consider what would happen if I just left. I feel like my kids would be so much better off with just my husband, and that he would be better off finding someone new to be with. None of them asked for this. My kids didn’t ask to have a shitty mom who cries all the time and wants to scream at them. I was the one who said I wanted another baby and told my husband I’d be able to handle it, and I was dead wrong. My toddler ends up watching TV all day because I’m so burnt out. My newborn cries every time I set her down but I can’t do everything for my toddler while I’m wearing her so I have to put her down sometimes, and hearing her cry makes me want to rip my hair out. I want better for them and I am just not it.
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My kids are 13 months apart and I was sober for 2 1/2 years but I got PPD after having my second and it was a dark place. I got on antidepressants and it is the difference between night and day. Consider professional help as your husband is not a therapist and he may not understand the turmoil. It’s not a you problem or him problem, but it makes us feel better to place blame. We’re human. Your kids would not be better off without you. Imagine them crying for a mom who is never coming back. Talk to your kids. Tell them mommy is not feeling well but you’re trying to get better.
I could have written this myself self verbatim three months ago when my son was three weeks old, except for slamming my head against the wall, although I wanted to, until I got on meds for postpartum depression. The rage was real, and some days it still is but it’s easier to keep in check. I found my self screaming at my toddler, literally wanting to throw her against a wall over the slightest toddler behaviors, it felt like I had the devil on one shoulder telling me to do it but an angel on the other reminding me that I love her and don’t actually want to harm her. Feeling like I wasn’t good enough for my family and they would be better off for someone else. Being constantly overwhelmed, exhausted and stressed. It can get better hun, reach out to your doctor asap to get the support you need to get better. These feelings are being caused by all the hormones changing in your body, exhaustion, stress andtrying to shift your reality to your new life as a mom of two.
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