Trigger warning: pregnancy and child loss

DONT READ THIS IF YOU ARE PREGNANT AND HAVING ANXIETY

This might sound really messed up but I promise that’s not how I’m trying to come across. 99% of my friends have babies. They’ve been having babies since highschool. Some of their journeys into mother hood or trying to expand their families have been extremely hard.

I have watched my friends lose babies from week 2, to full term. I have literally been there as one of my friends passed her 13 week miscarriage into her own hands in her bathtub. She had called me that day and asked me to drive her to the ER bc she was in the bathtub and in so much pain she couldn’t get up and needed help and when I got there she was pushing and passed the baby. The I got her cleaned up and took her in and stayed with her and took her home. I have watched another friend be able to get pregnant at the drop of a dime, but miscarry over and over again and I was there when she was figuring out that her HCG levels were dropping and I was there when she was in deep grief. I have seen the pain pregnancy loss brings. I LOVE my friends, and I hurt when they hurt. I think it might be possible that i am a little bit traumatized from watching some of this happen. So when someone gets pregnant and tells me I of course congratulate them but also can’t help but feel… kind of a feeling of dread because I know what can happen and I don’t get excited until they’re around 20 weeks. I have seen so much loss that I lowkey prepare myself to see it again. I NEVER say that though, EVER. You are hearing my internal thoughts, not something I say out loud to anyone.

One of my friends noticed when I started getting giddy around her 25th week into pregnancy and she told me she had thought I wasn’t excited but I am so… I have seen a lot and I am very aware of how pregnancy is this fragile thing that we don’t really have control over and miscarriage and loss is so much more common than you think. I didn’t tell her that until after she gave birth a healthy baby, she completely understood.

So I’m wondering if this is.. normal to feel this way when you have seen a lot of this happen.

I know I am a very sensitive person.