Should I tell my mom about my infertility struggles? Starting IVF soon

Question

My husband and I have been struggling with unexplained infertility for over 4 years now. I have only told 5 people ever - 2 of my best friends, my coworker, and my 2 siblings.

I never told my mom though. She never asks about grandkids.

I worry if I do tell her and she won’t provide me emotional support that will really hurt me. When I told my two siblings and all they said was ‘that sucks’ and have NEVER checked in on me regarding this in 2 years!!! And that hurts me more than them not knowing in the beginning.

I like my mom and I being in ignorant bliss.

The reason I am kind of considering telling her is because my husband and I are planning to start <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> in June. He travels 2-3 days a week for work, I’m still terrified of needles (ironically ugh) and MIGHT need her to do my shots for a few days if I can’t work through my fear and I freak out. Also I worry of her reaction if it gets out later and if she gets upset at me for leaving her in the dark or feeling like a bad mother that I wouldn’t turn to her.

So do you think I should tell her?

Answer

I say no. If she is someone you know can’t/won’t support you, then it will be more harm than good. Infertility and IVF are difficult physically and emotionally when things are going well, and having the right people around you makes a huge difference. I made the mistake of allowing some family and friends know about our process, and as each setback occurred they said progressively worse things to us. They didn’t look at any of the support materials I sent them and really drained my limited energy. My circle of people “in the know” has gotten smaller and it’s been the best decision. I wish I could take back letting the unsupportive people know that we’re even in the process, but I was excited and thought this would be the time they could rise to the occasion (despite never having been supportive before). None of our parents knows about our current pregnancy bc of their inability to be there when we needed them. 
I get the fear of the needles and having a backup solution! I shook so hard the first time I did a shot! Watch the videos a few times. Watch it again right before you do it. Practice on an orange. I had my nurse draw targets with sharpie for my PIO shots! 😜 You can do it! It gets easier the more you do it.

Answer

As someone that's been in your shoes, I'd tell her but lower your expectations of her. Some people may come at me for that, but hear me out. You're already in a vulnerable state so if you go in wanting validation and she doesn't give it to you, it will eat at you on top of all of the other shit that comes with IVF and infertility. 
My mom and I aren't exactly close; she's much closer to my [3] brother's. I did tell her but I never really got much support from her in that she never asked about anything pertaining to IVF or made an effort to learn anything about it. She'd just say that she's thinking about me and ask if there was anything I wanted to disclose or wanted to vent about. It wasn't often but I appreciated it. Having said that, I never tell her anything I didn't want to have to un-tell her & I learned that the hard way (early MC from fresh transfer). My friends are all blessed with fertility. They know that I do and did IVF but they have no idea what it is, don't ever ask or check in; they're oblivious. I'm sorry you're not getting the support you'd hoped for! It really sucks to go through this and it can be so isolating. 
Join the monthly IVF groups on here, too! You'll find so much support there. You can also PM if you want. We IVF sisters gotta stick together. Good luck!! 🤞

Answer

I would tell her but also tell her how much it would mean for her to check in on you regularly. I’ve found people often don’t realize how important that is, or they just don’t know what to say, so it’s actually doing them a favor to spell it out for them. Just say, the thing that would mean the most to me is just reaching out (and reaching out frequently) to see how I’m doing. If you give her the tools to be there for you, it might actually work out to strengthen your relationship. Best of luck!

Answer

I have kept my Ivf journey very quiet. 2 of my good friends know and that is it.
We got pregnant on our own in 2019. Had a missed miscarriage at 10w6d and our families were absolutely horrible with support. HORRIBLE. Cue a very very deep depression. TTC x 12 months thereafter without anything. Saw fertility. Got pregnant with Ivf after an iui and 3 months timed intercourse.
There are days I wish I had more support and often come to Glow for that because I know at the end of the day how our families handled loss and their stance on certain medical things I know it would be absolutely horrible for my partner and I. And I fear they will look at our child differently. Big secret to harbor but probably for the best in our case.

Answer

My mother is not in the picture so I shared with my MIL and it was the worst thing I’ve ever done. She has never let me stop thinking about it and calls my kids “IvF babies” and thinks she can tell everyone my business. Super long story but I would definitely be careful who you feel comfortable venting to/seeking support from. & hate that I have to say that but unfortunately I have not had lots of support - it’s still such a stigma for everyone and I hate that.

Answer

I suffered a 15week miscarriage in March. I got pregnant on first cycle of fumara. 
My mother-in-law has made comments (in polish so I didn’t understand) explaining how it’s good and we weren’t ready etc. She’s been ignorant to us/me desperately wanting another kid. 
I will not tell her. I never told my mom when I did IUI for my twin boys. It wasn’t til they were here safely that I even mentioned fertility struggles. It’s such an unseen/taboo subject that shouldn’t be that way.

Answer

I did not share a lot with people during my IVF journey as I had the same, some people that knew gave me the worst kind of feedback and made me feel worse for it. Some were even close friends, that just didn’t know what it’s like dealing with infertility and so they don’t get it. But I did find that when I told my mom it was helpful, a lot because she stopped asking when we were getting pregnant when she finally realized we had been trying for so long. It also helped as you mind goes a little emotional roller coaster during treatment it was nice for people to understand I’m not crazy I just have a lot of hormones lol. But she may be better help than you realize and definitely not bad to have help with the needles, especially when you get to the progesterone 😳 lol. Ultimately your choice but also know you have a huge community of IVF warrior’s here if you need help! 💙 best of luck!

Answer

We told our close family, we haven’t gone in to full detail and want to try keep it on the down low but the support we have received has been amazing and I wouldn’t have it any other way! We hid it for the longest time and I couldn’t take it anymore because my mum and I are so close!

Answer

I didn't tell my mother at first for the same reason but then ended up calling her during a complete mental breakdown on day 4 of my shots. She was actually slightly more supportive than I expected. It's a very emotional time and sometimes you just need to talk to your mom.

Answer

You should hun

Should I tell my mom about my infertility struggles? Starting IVF soon

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