Update: I have let it go. We had a straightforward talk about this, thanks to me. I pointed out all the conflicting statements and also reminded him that the other day I wasn’t demanding anything except a simple response. You take the offer so we move forward or you say no so I can grieve. I also reminded him that the grieving is not his. It’s mine, and I will deal with it. And that I WANT to grieve and WANT to be sad. He accepted that he did end up giving an ambiguous response that day and apologised for my suffering because of that. He also told me that it’s a no and it’s not a possibility.

His response: I said that because I didn’t want you to feel unloved. That’s what it led to all the misunderstandings and the ambiguity in my response. Im sorry for prolonging your suffering. You asked for an answer so it’s a no, it’s not a possibility. The physical closeness that we had the other day was me crossing my own boundaries too. For the future you can let me know your boundaries, and you can also let me know if in the past I have ever been suggestive subconsciously. That day your condition was such that I didn’t want you to feel unloved. But you’re right, you’re not a child, and it’s also not my responsibility for the grief.

My feelings: I accepted his apology and his response made sense to me. But a few days later, I felt angry. I just feel like he really shouldn’t have. He really did prolong my suffering no matter what the intent of it was. And I asked for a very direct and clear answer. I really shouldn’t have had to keep wondering. And I really am not a child considering I had the courage to ask for a clear answer so I can allow myself to finally be sad. It doesn’t feel fair.

……………………

So I finally found the courage and confessed my feelings to a guy who I’ve been into since a year and I work with him. Time and again I felt mixed vibes but we ended up getting so close emotionally (showing vulnerability) and physically (rubbing noses and coming close to each others faces) that I couldn’t take it anymore, thought there was definitely something there, felt tired of being unclear, and confessed. His response: I love you hard too and I care about you. I don’t know what will happen, whether we’ll get together or not, how it will happen or when it will happen. I am scared what it would do to your heart if I end up choosing someone else. I am also scared of losing you. I like touching you. We could make out even right now, it’s very easy, but then you would be a woman to me. You are not just any woman to me. I have parts about me that you don’t know about, I have been an asshole too. With you, I am scared of losing myself and also losing you. I saw you as my student (because he’s my mentor) and that switch to sexually looking at you is difficult for me. I could say you’d make a great wife and my parents would love you but I won’t because I don’t want to lead you on (but so many things have happened that have already led me on). He said we will navigate through this, we are in it together. We always make it work and we’ll make it work.

He kept his head on my back. He kissed me on my forehead and my cheeks and kept kissing them. Our lips have been so close that if it were to get any closer than that, it would be a kiss. He rubbed my cheeks with his fingers. It’s so intimate. He asked me to hug him and I didn’t do it so he told me to hug me correctly and said “do it like you own me” . He also said he gives me unconditional love and he always will. He asked if it’s the same for me. I was quiet because if he doesn’t feel romantically about me then I won’t be able to give that kind of love. I need a label. I don’t know what we are right now. When I didn’t answer him he said “so it’s conditional for me?”

We met again and had been spending time together like never before. We spent over 7 hours together by choice. We went to an isolated beach and we sat together there and held hands. My head was on his shoulder. There he said he’s been thinking about it and he’s looking for ways to spend time together.. things we could do together. He said he couldn’t sleep. He said he finds it difficult to open up to me sexually. I told him that emotional and sexual for me go together. He said he honours that. I asked him if he’s all in. He said it’s unfair for me to ask him that, probably because that switch is hard. We were physically close even in this meeting.

There was a moment in which I kissed his cheek but he didn’t kiss me back. In the next meeting while I was telling him a story he suddenly kissed me on my cheek and it took me by surprise and he said this is because I didn’t kiss you back that day. He says he doesn’t want to lead me on but all this does lead me on.

I do know that whatever happens between us emotionally and physically is very unique of colleagues to have. I don’t know what we are. There’s no label. But his response did confuse me and I need help. I feel so stuck.

Extreme fatigue at night