Failure at healing? TW

Does anyone else struggle with maintaining a steady progression towards healing from trauma?

As a young child, I was abused and basically just repressed those memories. Then as a teen, I was raped, and tried to repress that too but after a few years, I'd almost flunked out of my scholarship and turned into a sleep deprived alcoholic, so I tried to get help. Went to a counselor for a few weeks then ditched him as soon as I was able to admit that I'd been raped. Fast forward several years later, I get raped again by an ex boyfriend. I tell noone for a few weeks, go to work, have sex with my boyfriend (not the same guy who did it) then finally crack and try therapy when I'm not sleeping again, having flashbacks at work and thinking about suicide. This time, I'm able to make it a few sessions past revealing what happened, but then it gets overwhelming again and I stop.

Is anyone else like this? I'm trying to build up the courage to start seeing my therapist again or someone else, but I feel like such an idiot.