Does it sound like I am “using my kids as a weapon”

Question

Please please read and be honest with me. I don’t know how to handle this 
My mother in law and I have always had a rocky relationship.  She frequently gets mad at me.  We fight pretty regularly, but our fights are really just her ignoring me/refusing to speak to me.  Our fights are ALWAYS the same, it’s always when I say no (like the kids sleeping over, or we have other plans, or i go to my families for the weekend) 
During the times she’s not talking to me I actually don’t mind.  My life is much more peaceful lol but it doesn’t last long, and everytime we do start talking again it’s because I always am the one apologizing just for the sake of keeping peace 
Anyway, we haven’t spoken in a month which is the longest we’ve ever not talked.  The reason she’s not speaking to me is because we are going to my moms house for the Super Bowl, not her house. Anytime we “pick” my family over her, it’s a huge problem.  
My niece (who is my sister in laws daughter, sister in law does not speak to my mil) texted me and told me she thinks it’s horrible that I haven’t dropped the kids off at mother in laws house, and that I shouldn’t be using them as a weapon.  Just because we are fighting I shouldn’t be keeping the kids away.  
My niece is only 13 so I doubt she came up with this on her own.  I think my MIL told her to say it.  I didn’t even respond bc this has nothing to do with her 
But if my mil isn’t talking to me why would I just drop them off? My kids are only 2 and 3
Please be honest with me.  Should I still be taking my kids to see her? Does it seem like I am using them as a weapon? That is not my intention.  My mother in law is the one not speaking to me by the way.  I tried to reach out several times and she ignored me

Accepted Answer

Your niece is the child being weaponized here, that’s what it sounds like.

Answer

NO ONE is entitled to seeing your children. Absolutely NO ONE. If she wants a relationship with the kids she needs to have a GOOD relationship with you and learn how to behave properly. Your kids are YOUR kids and you say who does or doesn't see them and if someone is constantly mad at you for having a life and not running your kids to them every single time the second the ask they don't deserve access to your kids. 
My husband and I do not allow anyone to see our kids who doesn't respect us and who don't make an effort to have a good relationship with us because they are our kids and no one is entitled to being a part of their life if they won't be a part of ours and behave properly.

Answer

I mean if she’s not reaching out to talk to them, see them, etc that’s on her. It’s not your job to make sure she’s maintaining her relationship with her grandkids. If she wanted to, she would. My opinion anyway.

Answer

She's ignoring you but it's YOUR fault? Nope. If she wants the grandchildren over she would put her pride aside and ask. She doesn't have to hold a conversation with you. You are not using your kids as a weapon and I also believe your 13 year old niece didn't come up with this on her own. How strange to put another child into this also.

Answer

I read your other post about your mother in law. 
Based on what you said, and I mean, I obviously don’t know her but the things you said she sounds like a narcissist or atleast has narcissistic traits.  Making you feel guilty for not seeing her for an event, the silent treatment. And her own daughter doesn’t speak to her either? You are not the problem she is.

Answer

No you’re not and honestly, she sounds like way too much drama.  No wonder her daughter doesn’t talk to her. I’d go no contact bc who has time for that bs.  Don’t let her guilt you for any reason. You’re not doing anything wrong here.

Answer

Your MIL needs to get over herself she needs to learn to respect you until then she doesn’t deserve time with YOUR children as they should only be around people who respect their parents…….

Answer

Whoever said yes, is wrong. Or they’re like you’re MIL. If she’s not reaching out to talk to them or ask about them or seeing them.. that’s on her and I’d tell your SIL she’s having her daughter do her dirty work. Children don’t need to be in the middle of grown up business.

Answer

I’m a firm believer that toxic is toxic regardless of your relation. If this was any other person treating you this way, it wouldn’t even be a question. Just because she is your mother in law does not mean she is allowed to treat you how ever she wants.

Answer

She’s using your niece as a pawn. 
But that being said, what does your SO do about their mother’s behavior?

Does it sound like I am “using my kids as a weapon”

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