Emotionally/mentally confused

I feel like this awful person, after feeling like I finally have it all figured out. I’ve been doing endless research in trying to understand why I’ve felt horrible or even angry in my marriage. When you believe your spouse has been emotionally/mentally abusive, it’s maddening when they’re nice or fair to you in one moment. It makes me feel evil. Like there’s something wrong with me. I feel like I’m losing my mind, and I don’t even know how I feel anymore. Sometimes I think I’m going crazy trying to find the answers. Has anyone felt like this in a relationship? Is it just me? They say to trust your intuition, but maybe mine is wrong.