i don’t even know if this will make sense or if anyone can relate. but i miscarried at 7 weeks around two months ago now. when it first happened, i blamed myself so so heavily. i felt extremely guilty and angry with myself because i felt as if my body had failed my baby. i felt as if i had failed the father of my baby and even failed myself too. i grieved and still am grieving the thought of what could have been. my boyfriend said that i shouldn’t grieve “what couls have been” because we can have another baby and while that’s true, i still feel like grieving what could have been is grieving the possibility of THAT child… what gender they would have been, what name we would have picked out. and i don’t want to give the impression that my boyfriend was being insensitive, no he was very very heartbroken over the loss. but now two months later, i don’t blame myself all the time and this is where it might not make sense. i don’t blame myself all the time. but i’ll have like an intrusive thought that will say “it was your fault. you failed” and i’ll believe that thought and in that moment, it all feels very fresh again. i start feeling guilty and blaming myself. i start grieving the idea again. i should be 18 weeks pregnant today, my belly would start showing around this time. sometimes i forget i was ever pregnant too. it’s hard for me to believe i was pregnant at one point sometimes. and that makes it harder for me. and i don’t know if anyone else has ever felt like this but it’s a very confusing way to feel. not always blaming myself but sometimes blaming myself when the self sabotaging part of myself starts to give me those intrusive thoughts.

but i’m sorry for the long post, i just wanted to get that off my chest and see if someone understood.