Really struggling…

First off please don’t suggest therapy or medication. I don’t take allopathic medications that alter brain chemistry and I have tried therapy many times.

I am 28 weeks along and I instantly regretted my decision to follow through with this. I thought it was something I wanted and then realized it was something I was trying to do for others after a loss a few years ago. I have a strained relationship with my husband and I have a 15 year old, and I honestly just want to separate and be done with the parenting thing in a couple years ( as much as anyone can be done). This entire pregnancy has been one negative thing after the other being in and out of the hospital with issues and my body dysmorphia is awful.

I am normally a very active fit person and with the complications it’s made things difficult.

I don’t go out because I feel embarrassed and disgusted with the way I look and if anything shows any part of my belly at all I feel so disgusted. I just feel fat and miserable and old. ( I was 19 when I had my first).

I feel no connection to this and have just spent the last 7 months feeling regret and wishing I could turn back time and make a different decision to better my life and be happier. I never wanted any kids in the first place and my abused brain and need to satisfy others, somehow I’ve ended up here and I am completely miserable. I find myself waking up every morning just wishing I could take it all back. Before I met my husband ( just to add I have been in a car accident and suffered other traumas the last 5 years that have given me c-ptsd) before any of this happened.

I was so much happier on my own…

I know I’m going to get a lot of judgement and I’m going to get a lot of therapy comments but I guess im just venting because I have nobody else to talk to or who understand.