We are delighted to have the hysterically funny and celebrated author of TheUglyVolvo.com guest-write Glow’s blog this week. If you like this blog and want more like it - please do take a moment to let us know by leaving a comment. Much appreciated! 

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The Difficulties of Trying for a Second Child - A Play in 10 Short Scenes

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Attempt 1:

Man: “Hello! Don’t you look ravishing this evening! Would you care to join me in the bedroom and make a second child?”

Woman: Thank you for the compliment! Unfortunately I worked an 8-hour day and then spent two hours at home entertaining a two-year-old and unloading the dishwasher. I am not in the mood to create a second child right now. Thank you so much for your inquiry!

End Scene

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Attempt 2:

Man: “Here we are, alone in bed with an uninterrupted thirty minutes at our disposal! Would you care to create a second child right now?

Woman: I am tempted, since even after the four minutes of child-creating intercourse, I will have twenty-six minutes of free time!

Man: How wonderful for both of us!

With woman in his embrace, the two of them throw themselves onto the bed. We hear a loud SQUEAK as the woman reaches down to reveal SOPHIE THE GIRAFFE. Man once again attempts to kiss woman. Woman rolls over on the bed onto an uncomfortable hard object and we hear an electronic voice say, “¡HOLA! ¿QUIERES CANTAR EL ALFABETO CONMIGO?”

Woman: I apologize, I am no longer in the mood to create a second child with you.

Man: I understand

Electronic Toy: Estas son las letras del alfabeto. ¡Cantemos juntos!

End Scene

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Attempt 3:

Woman: You are in luck! Not only am I in the mood to create a second child with you this evening, I have cleared our room of any distracting auditory toys!

Man: I would love to make a child with you this evening! (Lovingly kisses woman’s neck )

Woman: I’m looking forward to it. Tonight is the night that we—

Man: WHAT IS ON YOUR NECK?

Woman: I am not aware of any—

Man: OH MY GOD, IT’S HIS BOWEL MOVEMENT. THERE’S PART OF HIS BOWEL MOVEMENT ON YOUR NECKI! NOW IT’S IN MY MOUTH. HOW DID THIS EVEN HAPPEN?!?! HOW THE *#$% DID IT GET ON YOUR NECK?!

Woman: PLEASE COME BACK HERE AND HELP ME GET IT OFF MY NECK!

Man: IT’S IN MY MOUTH!

End Scene

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Attempt 4:

Woman: The night is beautiful and young and the child is asleep! Are you interested in maybe—

Man: The True Detective Finale starts in seven minutes.

Woman: Oh! Hold on. I’m grabbing a bag of pita chips and I’ll be right down.

End Scene

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Attempt 5:

Man: Now that season 1 of True Detective is over and child #1 is asleep for the night, would you care to try for child #2?

Woman: I would, except that I just looked at our 2013 finances and it appears we cannot even afford child #1.

Man: I’m sure it can’t be that bad. Let me look over the—

There is a long, dramatic pause.

Man cont’d: Oh.

Woman: (silence)

Man: Okay.

Woman: Thoughts?

Man: Could we feed him less? Would your parents want him?

End Scene

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Attempt 6:

Woman: I am totally in the mood to hop into bed and make an additional child with you!

Man: I have been dreaming about making an additional child with you all day!

Woman: Then this is it! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for!

Child #1: Mamamamama. Mama! Mamamamama! Mama! Mama! MAMA! MAMA! (Cries)

End Scene

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Attempt 7

Woman: I am totally in the mood to hop into bed and make an additional child with you!

Man: I have been dreaming about making an additional child with you all day!

Woman: And child #1 is at my parents’ house!

Man: Then this is it! This is the moment we’ve been waiting for!

Woman’s Body: Have fun guys! I won’t be fertile for another two weeks!

End Scene

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Attempt 8

Man: You look beautiful tonight.

Woman: No way. Not with that stunt you pulled.

Man: What did I do?

Woman: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID.*

Man: I have no idea what I did!

*Last week man said he was going to the hardware store to buy rock salt for the driveway but then forgot. Woman, after waiting almost a full week, went out and bought rock salt two days ago. Man has not yet noticed, nor has he remembered that he was the one who was supposed to buy it.

End Scene

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Attempt 9

Man: I was wondering if tonight might be a nice evening to make a second child with you, but you seem to be in a long term relationship with Candy Crush Saga.

Woman: LEVEL 147 IS COMPLETELY IMPOSSIBLE. HOW HAS ANYONE EVER BEATEN THIS LEVEL?

End Scene

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Attempt 10

Woman: It’s tonight. Tonight is the night we buckle down and attempt to make a child.

Man: (Passionately kisses woman’s neck after first checking for traces of child’s bowel movement)

Man and woman kiss and do this thing together that occasionally causes children. I will not go into details, but it is an act that is well documented on the internet, if you should care to look. They finish doing it and lie back together in the bed.

Man: Ok. We’ll see if that works. Are you all right? You look anxious.

Woman: (Looks at man nervously)

Man: You’re nervous that after all that it didn’t work?

Woman says nothing.

Man: You’re nervous it did?

Woman grimaces.

Man: Both?

Woman nods. Man nods back.

Man: Me too. But we’ll be able to handle whichever happens. (pauses) In the meantime, do you want me to show you how to beat level 147?

Woman: I would love it.

Man: I’m not going to be able to do it on the first try. But I have done it.

Woman: Take as many tries as you need.

Man and woman sit up against the headboard, intently focused. Man is deftly playing Candy Crush, rapidly clearing jelly from the board as innumerable animated bombs fall on his efforts. Woman and man both gaze down at the quiet glow of the shared screen. They both look on, determined.

End Scene