My TTC story wasn't exactly hard or heartbreaking looking through someone else's eyes, but my intern...
My TTC story wasn't exactly hard or heartbreaking looking through someone else's eyes, but my internal struggles with it have been enough to last me a lifetime. This is also the first time I've publicly spoke about it.
When I was 20, I was in an abusive relationship and accidentally got pregnant. Meanwhile, I had been in and out of the hospital for about a year dealing with stomach and intestinal issues. The doctors finally realized that H. Pylori had ravaged my insides and I was left with a stomach that had no nerve endings. I was around 9 weeks pregnant when they diagnosed me. The doctor informed me that my baby wasn't progressing as it should, mostly due to my health issues, and also said that the baby had a very low chance of surviving. I had the pregnancy terminated at 11 weeks. I fell into a depression that nothing seemed to get me out of. I even dropped out of college because I couldn't keep it together.
Fast forward three years later, and the same scenario was rearing it's ugly head. Instead of a physically abusive relationship, I found myself in a mentally and verbally one. I had fallen pregnant despite being on birth control. I was also regaining my health back. So I wanted to keep the baby because I had vowed I would never terminate a pregnancy again no matter what the odds were against it. Somehow in my fragile depressive state, I managed to let my ex talk me into terminating the baby. I can blame no one but myself, but I was still devastated.
Shortly after, I ended up meeting the man of my dreams...my now husband. After we got married in October 2013, I found Glow. I wanted to be more aware of my body and hope that I could somehow be blessed with a child. We started TTC in November and found the stress pretty unbearable. After only three months, it got to be too much. I found myself falling into depression again because I was positive that God wouldn't let me have a child after the decisions I made in my early twenties. I kept telling myself that I didn't deserve any blessings He had planned for me.
We stopped actively trying in March. No temping. No opk's. I had basically given up the idea of having a child, or at least any time soon. The weight off of my shoulders must have made the difference!
We are now a little over 5 weeks pregnant. Due December 16th. Every time I find myself getting excited, I end up holding myself back because somewhere in my mind I still can't let go of the guilt and feeling that I just don't deserve this. As the pregnancy progresses, I'm hoping these feelings will fade enough that they won't cross my mind anymore. I can say, though, that the support I get from my buddies and the rest of the Glow community is helping me immensely. To have such a support system from women all over the world, even when they barely know who you are, is the biggest blessing in and of itself.
Thank you, Glow. I owe this community my sanity. Without it, I'm not sure where my mind would be taking me.
Continued prayers for anyone still continuing with the struggle of TTC and also for any of you who are pregnant. Happy and healthy 9 months to you. Sticky beans for everyone!!
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