Think I'm going mad !!! Do I need serious help!! Please some one help !!

Well don't kno how to say all this so going to do it best I can!
​Wen my mum was 12 she was groomed and raped by my 'father' she had me at 16 and he was 29 . I was always kept a secret . Wen I was 8 he came and found me and obviously not knowing what had happend I want to see him I pressured my mum so she agreed under supervised contact after a year of that an things going well I was allowed to see him on my own . Then it begin yes my dad abused me for a few years before it came out ! 
​Wen I was 17 I had my first child . I have 3 children 2 boys and a girl aged 6-5 and 2 my mum cudnt handle me having a gi and all her past came back a yet ago she was sectioned for trying to kill her self by going under a train . She got the courage to tell the police what happend to her ! many of us was interviewed and the police wanted me to stand in court n tell my story but I said no ! I dnt want my past being brought up it's not a story it's my life ! Yesterday I got the news that he's being charged with 13 count of sexual abuse on children under 16 on 8 people ! 
​I haven't taken this news well I feel disputing that I'm half of him all I have done is cry and become so angry towards people especially my boyfriend . I can't talk to him because I'm so confused myself ! I feel like I hate my self  and can't even look my kids in the eyes . I think I'm going mad. I just want to smash something so hard that it hurts . 
​Can any one please give me some adivse x