So lonely and in floods of tears

I'm really struggling atm. We lost our baby through ruptured ectopic 21/12/13 I nearly died. I had no signs of ectopic no pains no bleeding nothing until it was too late I had minutes left to live. Was rushed into theatre and had lost 4 litres of blood and had my tube removed and septicaemia was then in intensive care. I wouldn't accept that I lost the baby and still find it hard now. I've had counselling which has helped and was given a little polar bear which I named Archie as I was sure it was a boy and that's what we was going to call him. I still have the little polar bear which is my memory of the baby we lost. Now on 4months ttc and my doctor had said that I have a higher chance of having another ectopic as I've had one but if I lose my other tube I will be infertile and can't afford ivf :( I'm so scared. I'm 10dpo and I've been feeling really sick, with headaches the wait is killing me. Just wanted some friends too talk to.