Waking Up
I avoid sleep at all cost. Anything to not let myself go into the dark. When I knew I was pregnant, I loved sleeping; I'd wake up and think, "is it true? Am I really pregnant?" I'd check my ultrasound pictures, and spend the rest of my day so happy. Dreaming about the future, planning mentally about what we were going to get rid of to make room for this new person. Daydreaming about life being a mother- staying up all night with a newborn, being so tired, looking like hell, and being so excited for it all.
Now, I hate waking up. I hate waking up because there's a split second when I have to think what i am. Is the baby still here? Is the baby gone? And then I remember. No baby. Just sadness. An open door to another alternate reality, another timeline, where the person who I thought was coming is no longer.
So I re watch old late night movies, even watch the same thing I just finished watching. Just so I can avoid what's coming as a result of my much needed sleep. I'm in the middle of my third miscarriage; been pregnant three times, the happiest and saddest moments of my life.
And all I know is, the worst part of all of it is waking up.
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