I gave in... BFN

Courtnie • 25. Happily married. Recently gave birth to my rainbow baby girl Elliott! I have a sweet angel baby named Alexander Luke ❤

I'm so sick of seeing negative tests. Not even a faint positive. I don't get why it's so hard? People get pregnant by accident everyday. I've prayed so much. Prayed that my body is headed and that I can conceive and apparently I cant. I want this so bad and I feel like God doesn't want this for me. It's a horrible feeling to know God doesn't want this for me. I'm sick of being a disappointment to my husband because I can't give him a baby. Every month I have to look at him and tell him no and seem all optimistic about next month. All my dreams have been crushed in a matter of 3 mins and it's heartbreaking. I don't feel like trying anymore. I really don't know how you guys do it. I have 5 baby showers that I have to sit through with a smile on my face. 

My body keeps telling me things and I can't trust it.i felt like this was my month and that God was sending me signs.

Is it so bad to want a family? Just one baby? 

I tracked all of my symptoms and thought this could actually be something and now I feel like an idiot. I'm sick of tww and waiting to see when I'm fertile. It's exhausting being depressed . I'm doubtful and discouraged and jealous and bitter and hurt. I don't think this is going to happen for me. I think I'm going to give up on the trying and the tracking maybe one day I'll have a happy accident too. Apparently that's how everyone else has their babies... yeah. I'm done.