When I found out I was pregnant I was, of course, elated. My own reality quickly hit me. I have been a bulimic since I was 19; At 29 years old I am openly talking about my disorder but still having my.... shall we call them, "relapses"? As good a word as any, I suppose. Having my relapses about twice a year.

So there I sat scared for this tiny baby because the one person that will be able to provide for him for the next 9 months still faces the inner struggle of, "is this enough food? You've had enough food. But there's more food. This tastes so good. Where did all the food go? No use in stopping now. My belly hurts. I need to get rid of this full feeling."

I worried about the scale telling me how fat I was. I worried about my screaming cloths as I felt them stretch around me. I then worried more about this baby.

Fast forward to 7 weeks along. Oh morning sickness, you cruel, lesson teaching hag. I will never forget how each vomiting session reminded me of the CHOICE I had made every time I had done this exact same act in the past. And now, i wanted to keep food in but the choice was no longer my own. I realised that bulimia is a choice, an inner struggle, and when the choice is stolen from you, you've lost the sense of "control" that it had at one time given you.

Fast forward again to today, 25 weeks along. I look in the mirror and see everything I was scared of for the past 10 years. The scale rising but no longer telling me how fat I am but it rejoices with a growing boy. My screaming cloths that fit tight around me don't scream in pain but sing because I'm beautiful. I carry this precious boy in me and for the first time in 10 years I find perfection in myself and I am proud of my body. I thank my son, for giving me the peace that I've been looking to find for so so long.

Edit: i tried to thank each of you personally that took the time out of their day to lend encouraging words of support and love, and stories of your own. If i missed you, i apologize. thank you to all the kind words and encouragement. I hope that those of you secretly battling can find enough self love to find help for yourself because the feeling of self love is indescribable. Waking up and loving myself, and my body brought me to tears and everyone deserves that feeling. Blessings to all!

Masturbation