I'm engaged to a man I am very much in love with, and do NOT imply I must not "really" love him because that is blatantly false. I betrayed him, in what is in my opinion the shittiest way. I hooked up with my ex after around a year since the last time I saw him/talked to him. And while I was hooking up with him my fiancé was texting me how much he loves me etc. I do not love this ex, I do not want this ex, I am ashamed of what I did and greatly regret my actions.

I don't know what my next step should be. I WANT my fiancé. I don't want to ruin our relationship.

Is it worse if I don't tell him (because I know for 100% fact he will not find out) and I just deal with the guilt without hurting him? or is it worse if I tell him and ruin our relationship and break his heart simply to clear my conscience?

Part of me believes he deserves to know the truth but part of me also beleives it would be selfish to break his heart in the name of clearing my conscience.

Feel free to leave your snide comments about how I am a wh*re. I do deserve it because indeed that's apparently what I am. Theres no excuse, I really fucked up.

UPDATE: I am going to tell him. He deserves to know and I deserve to face the consequences. I pray to god he will forgive me but I know I dont deserve it. You can keep saying I dont love him but people make mistakes. It wasn't planned, it was a mistake.

UPDATE 2: I called him, and I told him. I was entirely honest and I didn't try to justify it. I would have told him IRL but I am in an LDR so that wasn't an option. He didn't really say anything. He sat on the phone in silence and said he would call me tomorrow and hung up. He hasn't talked to me yet, but he sent me a text saying he doesn't hate me and will call me tomorrow. So now I wait. For further context, when I said I didn't plan it, I meant that I had ran into my ex on accident at a friends house and it went from there. It wasnt a matter if me texting him randomly saying "oh wanna hookup". That obviously doesn't excuse it *whatsoever* but when I say it was a mistake I mean that, I would have never intentionally put myself in that situation near my ex and with alcohol. I didn't include this in the original post because I didn't want to seem like I was justifying it, however I saw comments asking. I will update when he calls tomorrow.

UPDATE; so this is a screenshot of messages from him. thanks for all your comments. both the supportive and harsh ones, I came for honesty and thats what you girls gave me. We called for a bit and he's feeling pretty fuckiing terrible but I was lucky enough to be given a second chance so I'm gonna do everything in my power to fix it.

FINAL UPDATE: I. did. not. respond. to. a. hookup. text.

I already said that, I dont know why that keeps being said. I was already drunk, at a female friends house, before he even showed up. As i've said a trillion times I know alcohol is not an excuse but I hate how twisted this is getting.

Also, last year he cheated on me with a girl I don't know. Twice. I forgave him because we are in an LDR and while that doesnt make it any less hurtful, I love him and know the lack of intimacy is difficult. Part of me wished he never told me, which is why I considered not telling him.

Anyhow, we will be living together again next month, and we are going to go to couples therapy and work on regaining trust, both ways. We love each other and are good af communication so im optimistic.

I'm 17 and I want to conceive