Smoking help

Hi Everyone, I'm really struggling and I am so ashamed to even be writing this but it needs to stop and I'm wondering if anyone else is struggling and also needs support.  I have been so ashamed to even look for a smoking cessation group. I am 33 and I have been an on and off smoker since I am about 21. I managed to quite for about 3 years a few years ago but picked it up again last year when my best friend was diagnosed with terminal cancer (i know not an excuse) , my uncle passed from cancer around the same time and I was borderline suicidal/having a thrisis so I started again. However I didnt tell anyone I did (my husband and family have no clue). I did start to feel better and when we decided to try to conceive I assumed I would immediately stop smoking for my baby when i got pregnant. I was smoking around 10 a day. Well, I am now 7 weeks and I have not. I have gone days here and there without ( so smoking like 3 days out of the week) and I feel SOOO ASHAMED and SOOO ANXIOUS that I am going to make myself have a miscarriage by doing this. ANd since no one knows it feels even worse bc people dont understand my anxiety. I had stopped for about a week last week (i know no big deal) but yesterday found out that above mentioned friend would be passing soon and am kind of waiting for that call. So i of course got a pack and now I am completely panicked and hating myself and even that doesn't seem to stop me. I have tried to limit it to less than 6 a day but from what I am reading that is meaningless. I got rid of the pack I've had to get back on track but I am really worried about my ability to maintain cessation in the coming days and with my next on apt one month out am fearful it's too late. I just really needed to acknowledge in some public way how much I suck. Thank you all for "listening". If anyone has advice on how to stop or if anyone is pregnant and struggling please let me know. Thank you.