To conceive or Not to conceive?

So it got me thinking---  Here's my story as short as possible...

My husband and I have been TTC since 2009, it's all we ever wanted. After a miscarriage in my second trimester July '09, we decided to wait 6 months and try again the following year.... After 3 years and 3 doctors, countless test, hormones, periods, and tears we decided to stop trying in 2011. Meaning, I would give up hormones, ovulation kits, tracking my bbt, reading and researching, and most of all talking about having a baby. I went through so many phases where my mind and my heart couldn't agree. One month I would be heartbroken and want to try harder. Then I would want to adopt. Then I wouldn't want any kids. Then I wanted to get pregnant. Then I didn't want kids again. I never in my wildest dreams thought I wouldn't want children. After everything I have been through emotionally and physically for 5 years, you would think that I was crazy. I felt bad for ever having those thoughts , so I didn't share them with my husband-- at first. I assumed, these thoughts must be a hormonal thing, or maybe it was my minds way of distracting me from the dispair of not being able to conceive. I thought that maybe I had set it in my mind we wouldn't ever conceive and it would just be the two of us forever. I was telling people I didn't want kids for the past few years becuase I was sick of people pressuring us to have a baby. So whatever the reason be, I was confused and felt I lost my maternal feelings. It took my marriage going through a truly rough experience for me to realize I truly want children. I never wanted to let our TTC issue to effect my marriage- but it did. It caused my husband to go into a deep depression where he eventually developed an opiate addction. It caused me to throw myself into my work and seclude myself from my home life.