Do you think....

Question

Do you think its wrong or selfish to tell your husband that if I found out that I (myself not him) cannot conceive I would want a divorce?

I have told my husband this- reason being I know he really wants to be a father... and if I can't have children I would want him to find someone else to fulfill this.

Im just curious to others opinions. ...

Answer

If he loves you & would be heartbroken to lose you it is a little selfish. I understand the reasoning but there's no guarantee he'd find another woman he loves to have children with or that she could give him children even if they loved each other. There's always adoption, surrogacy, etc. Expensive, yes but it can be worth it when it's giving you a family with the person you love & want to spend your life with. My aunt & uncle adopted two boys from Korea & are a very happy family.

Answer

You guys can adopt.. My husband and I both really want kids its always been our dream. However it is very possible u may not be able to have children. We talked about this as I bawled. He looked at me and said "I married you because I love you! I would never leave you just because we could have a child together. There ate other options out there and if need be we will do what we can or just enjoy each other and travel"

Answer

I personally find this post very troubling. You're not wrong, you know yourself better then anyone does. I just can't help feeling like this is a very sad and dramatic response to a very disappointing hypothetical situation. Did you two get married just to have kids? If so, then a divorce would make sense. However, if you married for all the reasons that make marriage sacred, then a divorce would be wrong for so many reasons. Marriage is beyond children. If you become traumatized by not being able to have children and think that's a good reason to get divorced, you need to realize that you are married and you have an obligation to seek healing for yourself and your husband. And then to seek out alternatives. And yes, it's possible to learn to love a child you adopt. You love many people in your life even though they're not flesh and blood. This thinking cheapens marriage. Marriage is difficult, but it endures by having tenacity, creativity and patience.

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Its plenty of other ways you guys could have kids. I see no need to get a divorce or find somebody else.

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Adoption is always an option. I want a large family more than anything, but I love my husband so much, I couldn't imagine either of us ending our marriage because we couldn't have biological children. 
I would imagine your husband would want you more than anyone else.

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Just adopt or use a surrogate... Your marriage is more the a way to make babies

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Adopt. Adopt. Adopt.

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I actually just went through this.  I found out a year ago I may not be able to have kids.  I subconsciously started to emotionally pull away from my husband.  This went on for a few months and we eventually started to sleep in desperate rooms. Then it all came to a head. I told him this was his free ticket out if he needed one, no hard feelings.  He deserves to be a father and he would be an AWESOME dad.  He then made it very clear that it isn't that he wants a kid, but he wants one with me.  And if that can't happen then we will adopt (he came from a terrible home life and would love to try to improve the life of another child).  And if we can't adopt then we will just hang out with our nieces and nephews a lot, do lots of traveling, and have a great life together. The main point is that he married me.  It's best to have an open and honest conversation.  He may suprise you.

Answer

After reading everyone's responses.....

Honestly no I dont think that I would want to adopt. Nothing against It, its a beautiful way to have a child when unable to concieve, but personally I dont think I would be able to love a child the same way as I would my own, and I wouldn't want any child to feel as tho I didnt love them enough because they weren't truly mine.

As for talking about it with my husband- we have. All he says is "I dont understand u sometimes"

As for the ones saying marriage is til death do us part.... I agree! But it would absolutely kill my soul to find out that I couldnt bare children it would be the death of me! I dont think I would be the same physically or emotionally... my personality type is the flight (fight or flight) and I could almost 100% guarantee I would run from the situation and end up causing more pain for my husband if I didnt just divorce if&when finding out. Therefore in a way im just giving him the heads up!

&lastly- the people who said if he loves you.....
If he loves me he would respect the decision... my decision of wanting him to be able to have a family of his own that I could not provide. He is a handsome man with an awesome personality so im sure he would be able to find someone else to love him ... he comes from a big family, all of his brothers and sisters have 2+ children (2 sisters which jus found out they are pregnant).... how could i deny him of that chance? What type of person would I be to make him fatherless?

These are the reasons I probably will never have testing done...
If it happens it happens... will I try my hardest to concieve? Of course!

But as a loving wife...I feel as tho if I cant give my husband a family that hes always wanted, I would give him the opportunity to be able to

I appreciate everyone's feedback! Thanks :)

Answer

I don't think it's selfish but there are always other ways of having children. If your husband wants to be a father he probably wants YOU and only you to be the mother. Adopting is a great way to have a family. I wouldn't jump to divorce when there are plenty of other ways. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Keep your head up and know that your husband will love you with or without children.

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