Excused for Bad Behavior?

Question

My grandmother has lung cancer and is beginning to suffer from dementia. She is 79 years old, full of onery and misery (so says my other family members). She's said maybe one hurtful thing to me in my entire life, other than that, she has always been my sweet grandma, even till this day. I have yet to witness her being ugly. Every time my mom and aunt make a comment about how much she stresses them out, or how they can't wait for her to pass, I get sick to my stomach. I always viewed it as, regardless of her actions, she is still a human being who's been the root of our entire family. 
 That being said, my mom has become sick. She's suffering from a neurological disorder that affects the pain receptors to her face, on top of fibromyalgia, diabetes and other medical issues she's developed. She's been notorious for saying some really degrading things from my personal experience, and now that I'm older I choose not to tolerate it and I call her out on it. I love her and I respect her, and I calmly try to redirect the conversations to where she can understand what she said was wrong and we move on. 
My aunt called me yesterday and notified me of the extent of my mother's sickness and suggested I just be careful of what I say, yet she refuses to do the same to her mother (my grandma). 
Now I realize what I preach to them about just being nice to my grandma, is reflecting on me and my mother. I'm at a tie with if sickness and medical condition is excusable for ones actions. 
In one hand. I don't see my grandmother as often and I can easily dismiss any remarks because of her state, but in the other, I've been hurt multiple times by my mother and I have a difficult time looking over her remarks just because of the state she's in. 
I don't really need personal advice or anything, I can manage my own views, but I am curious to know from others-

Should bad behavior be excused due to physical conditions or is there no excuse for bad behavior?

Answer

I think if the person was healthy when they started treating you like crap, then you have every right to feel upset with them. Even if they are dying. However if they got sick and then became ornery and rude, then I think that's just something you need to deal with. I try to be a good person, but if I were to be diagnosed with some horrific disease tomorrow, who knows how I might act, towards others.

Answer

Yes it does. Not that its easy to take. But pain and things that effect brain really does effect the ability to be nice. If they were nice before this then it should be excused. If she is being mean to your kids its best to visit without them

Answer

I like your replies, I understand when things are out of ones control and the brain has taken over them, that it should be taken into account and it should be understood, but is it excusable? I like Molly's reply, if they had a hateful personality before an illness, it shouldn't be excused just due to the fact that they're sick, but if the bad behavior comes on from the sickness, it should be excusable. 
Now I want to get further into this - 
A dog that's trained by an immoral person bites a child in the face, we punish them, put them to sleep even, but still profess that it was not their fault. 
Let's say the immoral person is whatever sickness or disease one has, the dog is the ill person, and the child is the person affected by the bad behavior. (I know the individual action itself is different, but it's all rendering as pain in this concept.) we know better that it is out of their control...but does that really excuse it for not being reprimanded?

Answer

I take care of my mom and she is on dialysis, and was hospitalized several times, twice so long I did not think she would make it.
She coded one time and she has not been the same, she at times seemed to regress to an infant and a child....
And her short term memory has been poor, so redirection may not help because with dementia they may not even learn from it.
My mom was a psych nurse and I have never been properly trained in bedside manner, but we have to choose our battles when we deal with dementia in the elderly. I learned how to care for her from her. She is still In there.
She doesn't spit or hit, or openly be nasty just very frustrated with her condition...

Answer

My grandmother is 78, recently diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer and her mental state has had a tendency to wander to a place where she confuses who everyone is for a few minutes.

I try my best as the youngest grandchild to brush off her nasty behavior and comments. But recently, she yelled at her close friend who was only trying to help her get into bed without falling. The friend wont talk to her anymore and my grandma is to proud to apologize.

I dont think the bad behavior should be tolerated, but unfortunately..because shes so sick i would never say anything to her.

Its a tough situation to deal with. I understand completely. Maybe when nasty things are said, you can just lean in and say "grandma or mom, thats not nice to say". Almost with a smile. So in your tone you arent yelling or putting them down. But letting them see it was noticed and isnt acceptable.

Answer

I lost my Great Grandfather to Alzheimer's when I was about 8/9 it was horrible to watch one of the most important people in my life suffer and decline the way he did. When he was at his worst right before he passed the only person he could remember was his brother Paul and he would constantly call for him. I knew it took a tremendous emotional toll on my Great Grandmother how could it not, but out of hurt one day while the family was at their house to visit him she yelled at him in front of my mother and I saying that Paul wasn't there and she was the one taking care of him (which wasn't true they had round the clock hospice nurses and my aunt helped out too) her cold tone and words wounded both my mother and I and too this day neither of us has been able to get over it. While we knew it was said out of hurt neither of us were close to her but loved him so so so much it was like a slap in the face for him to be treated like that he was sick she wasn't and her bad behavior in that situation just led to more emotional hurt.

Answer

Research all of these conditions. Sometimes people can not control their actions when they are sick (especially with dementia). Being a full time care giver is mentally demanding. It is hard to see a person that took care of you waste away and not be able to help them get better. I am not excusing your mother and aunt's action but trying to help you understand where they are coming from. With understanding you can approach them in a better way and help find a solution. I am sorry your family is going through this. **hugs**

Excused for Bad Behavior?

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