Suffering in Silence
Sometimes I forget that I am not alone on this journey. That all the emotions that I think I am so cleverly hiding from my husband are actually smacking him in the face. How naive of me to think that I was actually suffering in silence. He knows me better than I do most days. When I got my Af this month, (23 days late btw) I immediately broke down and bawled. This journey is hard, it takes a toll on your marriage both physically and emotionally. I thought by hiding how I felt I was protecting him from the same pain I feel every time I see that BFN. After a small argument tonight he told me that I am not on a "personal journey" like I like to think. He told me that at times he feels responsible, that he doesn't want to bring up his opinions on our issues because he doesn't want to see me hurt anymore. The man I tell everything too was afraid to talk about our infertility because it felt like a taboo subject! This shocked me, I felt like a fool. We are on this road together, how can we bring a baby into this world of the subject itself is taboo? I did some reading on a blog and I found this…
"I was overemotional. I took infertility very personally, and with every failure, I’d get down on myself and less hopeful. My husband, seeing how down I was, was afraid to share with me his feelings of sadness as I was already sad enough for both of us. In turn, his feelings on our situation unintentionally went ignored. I didn’t know about them so I couldn’t comfort him. He felt alone, I felt alone and despite our very best efforts to have fun and get through it, we fell short of the mark and pretty much went into “self protective mode."
This hit home for me. I am happy that we were able to get this out in the open tonight. I hope all women who feel like they are doing their husbands/partner a favor by keeping it inside find the strength to talk about your infertility. Keeping it locked up isn't going to change the reality that we have issues. This is a rough road, open up to your partner. You are not alone!