This is beyond heart breaking. First 2 years of marriage, two miscarriages. My first I didn't even know I was pregnant. I went to the doctor to get on BC to try and regulate my period( I thought it would help) they called and told I couldn't start the birth control because I was pregnant! I went into the doctors the next week and found out I was 6 weeks along, they said everything was fine. By 15 weeks, I went to another appointment to find out the sex... No heart beat. The doc told me I was most likely miscarring. I was in shock. I was ashamed to come home and tell my husband. I was suppose to go home and tell my husband if we were having a boy or girl not that I had lost our first child. I felt/feel like a horrible wife. I know I'm not suppose to blame myself. But come on some words just don't hold water. Everyone said things happen for a reason. Sorry not a reasonable answer for what was happening. I couldn't sleep couldn't eat. I was insanely depressed. I couldn't stand seeing babies/ pregnant girls ect. I lost all hope and my husband kept telling me not to loose help. I snapped at everyone! They had no idea. It was my body and it was my fault. We tried all the time after that did everything i could do to be fertile. Every neg pregnancy test felt like a knife to my heart. The look on my husbands face after heart broken but he always told me soon baby soon. Exactly 11 months later on his bday I found out I was 5 weeks along. His bday present was a couple of baby beanies. Went he opened that present his face lit up with excitement and he happy tears like I've never seen before. He kept hugging me and kissing me along with the words " I told you baby I told you! I love you so much" I never felt so loved so accomplished like I was finely doing something right. I was finely giving my husband a family. I could finally go in public and not be jealous of every women with my belly/baby! I was happy for them because I know the feeling you get just having that tiny  baby there with you and just giving the most wonderful feeling. The end of my 8th week I noticed some dark brown light spotting the doc said nothing to worry about happens all the time. The day before my bday I started seeing red. I freaked my husband said your fine the doc said your fine . I knew something was wrong. In my gut I knew it was gonna happen again. I cried like a baby. No words could calm me. I prayed to God that he would just let me have this one. To not take them away from me I couldn't handle it again. I kept holding my belly praying and telling my baby stay strong little one we have a long beautiful journey ahead of us and you have a daddy who is so excited to meet you! The morning of my bday the blood was worse it was more my cramps were out of control. I knew it. I was losing our baby. I tried to be calm and just relax at home with my little family. In the back of my mind I knew I had no control. My husband fell asleep holding my belly. It broke my heart right before he fell asleep he said I love you baby can't wait to meet you. The next morning I woke up made breakfast and tried to psych myself out. I was like you're fine baby's fine stop crying. There I was in the kitchen freaking out. I called him down to eat. He saw one plate. I told him my stomach was hurting and I was gonna go upstairs to lay down. He's like wait let me kiss my baby. He mumbled something and at the end I heard I love you. I cried all the way up th stairs. He didn't know. I was bleeding uncontrolably. I dropped to the floor and the worse, happened. I cried loud and hard. He ran upstairs and held me right there as our baby slipped threw our hands. I hate myself for not giving him a family. I'm a failure as a wife as a daughter my parents/ in laws are waiting for the day I have a baby. Its embarrassing depressing and the worse feeling. I can't keep seeing the face he makes when he sees other couples with their babies. He deserves a family. He is such a beautiful person and I'm robbing him of a fatherhood. I don't know what to do with this situation/ these feeling. I'm sorry this is long I just need to vent... worse of all this is day one after this MC and tomorrow is our 2 year anniversary. I miss our babies. My heart is broken I'm lost. God help me I need you more than ever!