When praying for the same thing becomes exhausting...

Firstly I apologize for the long post...

I have no children with anyone.

We got married 11.12.13 and as of our wedding day we began to officially start TTC. 

We've always been frisky with each other so performance has never been an issue. We found out 2.25.14 that we were pregnant! Needless to say clef lip runs in his family and come 14 week nuchal translucentsy screening didn't go so well. After tests after tests after tests and tons of doctors and specialists we found out at 25 weeks our baby boy had a few severe congenital heart defects and wouldn't live outside the womb if he made it to term and if he beat all these rare conditions he would most likely die as a toddler with 20+ surgeries under his belt.. 

My husband ms and mine position lead us to undergo termination for medical reasons...6.19.14 Which is by far the hardest thing to deal with and I think about it every day. 

Dr reccomended me getting on birth control right after to control possible blood clots after surgery. So I took birth control for 4 months lightened the bled if and regulated my cycles. 

We had quite a few life changes with moving 2600 miles, jobs, life was changing a ton! 

We began officially trying 10.1.14 by 12.8.14 we found out we were blessed with a second pregnancy. We were thrilled and so thankful! We counted down days until my first appointment which baby was at 9 weeks age and a few days.. 

1.12.15 we went into the Drs to hear the heart beat and to be told this was such a miracle as we had seen it.. 

There was no heart beat, however the fetus had measured within less than a day different than my last menstrual period dated the pregnancy... 

After a series of multiple blood draws to check HCG levels and a few ultrasounds, baby number two had indeed passed, 1.11 or 1.12 and there was no growth or heart rate...

So we underwent the same surgery as before but this time was easier because how early in pregnancy I was...

We made the decision that immediately to follow this loss on 1.22.15 we were going to leave it in gods hands. 

Every day since then I pray even more than I thought I already did. I prayed and I pray. I eat healthy I exercise to maintain a healthy weight I don't drink I don't smoke I take prenatals... 

And then life really hits the breaks with me... 4.24.15 I get fired from my career that I've loved and poured my heart and soul into, while my husband is currently laid off..and to top it off, I just tested positive that day at lunch and was so excited to tell him when I came home. Instead I came home and cried my head off that i just lost my job due to budget cuts. I was saving the surprise abt the baby for the next morning when I would be able to get a really dark line for him. 

4.25.15 I wake up at 5 am outta a dead sleep and have to pee so bad I test then. 

Super dark positive, however now I am bleeding heavily and in so much pain I couldn't stand barely.  After an emergency rm trip we find that we had a chemical pregnancy and I have an ovarian cyst on one of my ovaries...

Here we are, almost end of May creeping up on the anniversary of our baby boys loss and I am in such a funk. 

My period is due today, I've been testing like crazy, nothing getting darker.. And have been having pregnancy symptoms on top of it..

Took a first response test this am and am about to give up... 

I pray every day every every day for gods will, for me to know how to handle it when and how it comes, I feel so lost right now.

I am exhausted in praying for the same things... And am worrying I'm sinking..

I just feel like it's so not fair to have to continuously go through loss and Loss.

I know millions of people have it worse I get that. 

I just thought this would be a safe place to get this out to hear enlightenment and maybe God has a message for someone to share with me...

I truly again apologize for such a long post...