Frustration.

Right after my fertile period this month I stopped tracking and logging - everything. Stopped my cm checks, cervical position checks, bbt. Everything. At first it was an accident, I woke up late one day and didn't have time to do anything let alone sit still to wait for my temperature. Which I know only takes a few seconds but I was that kind of late. The kind your doing up your pants as your putting shoes on and heading out the door with a brush in one hand and a pony tail in the other.

Then the next day I just didn't feel like it.

Then two turned to three and three to four and now I'm 8dpo and I haven't even logged anything. I felt guilty, and I felt like I was letting the chance of a baby float through my fingers. But then I realized how much pressure I was putting on myself. My husband wants a baby so bad that I worry he might snatch one (haha). We have a 4 year old, but she's mine not ours. He loves her dearly and he is dad. But he missed out on all the firsts, those big first. Except talking.

I'm not against having another baby, I have my qualms but they are mostly how will my 4 year old handle not being the center of our world. Those we will work through I know that.

But every month, when I get a BFN or AF shows up I get mad. Not even mad - downright irate. And he never blames me, he knows there is only a 20-25% chance. But I can see his sadness, so then I get more upset.

I get so upset because I didn't plan my daughter. I wouldn't have intentionally had a child with her biological father ever. But it happens and she's the best thing in my life. But I wasn't as careful as I was in the years following her birth, but still more careful than I am now and yet nothing. I don't view my daughter as a regret, just these thoughts. The thoughts of immaturity, uneducated and careless behavior created a beautiful amazing girl. And yet doing everything right to the T for 6 months has lead to nothing.

I can't be the only one who feels this can I? For some reason I feel incredibly alone.