My daughter is a week and three days old tonight. I've noticed that I cry now more than I did during my pregnancy. I'm so happy and in love with my daughter and little family we have going. However my boyfriend and I go way back with a shaky history and still little things like how I'm the only one who cleans and keeps things organized and such bothers me. I don't freak out about a lot that I use to but that's because she is here and I don't mind being alone with her if he decides to go get high or say what's up to a friend or whatever he does.

We live with his parents because to him I guess my family jus isn't important. I barely get to see them. He doesn't like them that much because they always told me I was better off without him and he isn't good for me and that I could do much better... I still chose to move in with him and stay in the relationship. I do love him and everything it's jus I've been so negative again.. the first few days were decent but now it's back to us fighting and crying... the stuff he says jus really gets to me... idk what to do, my mom said I can come home anytime I want or need to. We haven't even done the DNA test yet, which I wanna get done I'm not afraid of anything he's the only person I've slept with in a loooong time.

It's jus if I ever try leaving he causes a scene and things get pshycial and I don't matter at all :{ I don't want to keep her from him because I know how shitty not having a dad is but I also know how shitty it is having a not the best type of dad.. I haven't seen mine in 8 years though so it's whatever but I don't want to be a bad parent and take her away because I know he'd never go where I want to. We live in a stupid small town, so small it doesn't even have a good gas station or even a grocery store! It's horrible. I want to get my shit together and make lots of money but it's hard here...

I hate that we fight n cry then after I expload my feelings it's back to him not caring it's like. I have to beg him to clean and I shouldn't have to. I don't understand why he can't ever jus notice something needs to be done and do it. He does help with her and cuddle and spend lots of time with her, I can tell he loves and cares it's jus it feels like he'd rather be downstairs getting high or something. I myself did smoke weed, I'm not hating on weed, I did stop for breast feeding and what not, so I kind of notice how annoying it can get lol. I don't smoke cigarettes anymore either so rhat really annoys me cuz my boyfriend is struggling to quit and I jus don't want our daughter around or smelling it on anyone. That shouldn't make me a bad parent. He doesn't get up at night either, which doesn't make me to mad because I'm breast feeding but still. There's nights I'll pump enough and I'll let him know but he still won't get up. We don't stay up past midnight and we're up before 11 in the morning so idk how he needs to complain about sleep. I'm up waaay more than he ever has been.

I feel so depressed and down though.... I need to pick myself up for my daughter. I want what's best for her and I know posting this isn't going to solve it but I need to vent. I need advice or something, I feel like my doctor is jus going to put me on meds and give me stuff to read.. I've be diagnosed with depression a year before getting pregnant and said no to meds because I'd rather naturally get better. I'm tired of crying and being so negative, I want to stop caring about the things that make me mad and jus focus on nothing but her... but my boyfriend really gets on my nerves. Knowing I have to do almost everything on my own really makes me want to jus be on my own but it's not fair to our daughter..

It's a boy!

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