Lying about + to see his true reaction..*semi long story*

Please don't be hateful or judgemental. I honestly feel like a horrible person for even thinking about this, but my anxiety is through the roof.

Making this as short as I can. I have been with my husband for 8.5 years/married 4.5. We always talked about having kids when I get through college. He has always "pushed" me about it, making comments like, "I can't wait to see you pregnant. You're going to be so cute." or like, "When we have Ariel and/or Bryson --- *fill in cute tradition*"

Well, he is bipolar & it makes life really hard sometimes. 😳 He got off his meds while I was in europe last summer & wasn't feeling happy, or having basically any emotions.. I thought we would divorce honestly. We ended up working through it & have had all the stronger relationship since then. I decided that I don't want to wait to start TTC until after I finish my degree. I want to try now & if we get preg sooner than later, we will manage. I talked to him & we agreed on it. I made an appointment to talk to my dr. & we got off BC & started TTC in Jan.

Well, then he randomly tells me in May that he doesn't know if he wants kids anymore. Then after talking, he said he was sure he doesn't want them, but would have them to make me happy. I told him I wasn't okay with that & I had some thinking to do (about whether I could truly be happy not being a mommy to be with the man I love) & I made an appointment to get back on BC. 2 weeks went by w/ not a word, then 2 days before the appointment, he asks me to cancel the appointment & says he forgot his meds a couple days again & "was being crazy" & of course wants to have kids with me...

I keep telling myself that it is just part of his mental condition & it will be great when I find out I'm pregnant & tell him,but I'm scared because I don't want to have kids he is going to resent or doesn't really want just because he is too afraid to tell me he really doesn't want kids, because he may lose me. I have been considering telling him I'm pregnant, even though I'm not, just to judge his reaction & see if he is really excited or not. But then 5 seconds later I'm thinking, "omg you're a horrible person. Wtf is wrong with you??"

Anyone have advice or opinions for me? 💔💔💔