I can't parent today.....

My kids are into everything more than usual. My son is super whiny, and he keeps asking to go to grandma and pappys house. I try to tell him we can't go today, that grandma is busy today, but he doesn't care. A 2 and a half year old won't. My daughter just wants to cuddle, and I can't. I can't parent today. I just want to lay in bed and cry it all out. 

My dads dying. Cancer. Fucking cancer. Yesterday was really bad, and I called my mom home from work twice because I thought he was having seizures, only for him to be sleeping. He's talking to people that aren't there. And he's mean. Yelling at me for sitting with him, quietly reading my book, because he feels as if we are babysitting him.  He's going into kidney failure. Hasn't gone to the bathroom in days. My husband is working from sun up to way past bedtime, and when he isn't, I take my turn sitting with dad. He doesn't know how bad it is.

I'm waiting for a phone call saying dads finally gone. No more suffering. But I dread it. Because my son already asks to go say hi to pappy. And to go to pappys house. And if we don't stop when we pass by, it's the end of the world to him. I think he knows time is limited. But how can he?  

And when dad does pass, how am I to explain that to him? That pappy went to live with God? Then he will ask if he will see him in church. And that pappy went byes? He will ask every day if pappy is home. I know kids to understand death. But how can I try to explain it?

And when my in laws ask to take the kids for us for the funeral, I don't want them to. I don't want to have to pack a bag and write out stupid instructions for every possible thing that could go wrong, and I don't want to answer 100 questions. I know it will be helpful to not worry about them, but there's just that much more work. And I think I will need my kids? But if I can't parent today then how will I parent then? But if I say no, they'll fight me over it. And I don't really want to fight with them. 

Help? Is there such a thing? What the hell is going on with me?