The worst thing in the world for me, is knowing I can't have anymore babies...

My husband went through 12 rounds of chemo and 18 treatments of radiation for Stage 4 Hodgkins Lymphoma. Doctor told us that there is less than .1% that we will ever have kids again. Knowing my husband wants a girl kills me inside to not be able to give that to him. Secretly hold all those feelings in so he doesn't see them. I put on a smile that doesn't reflect how I'm really feeling inside. My REAL emotions don't ever show. Everyone tells me "I don't know how you do it". Well, to be fully truthful, I'm falling apart inside. I'm screaming until my face is blue and no one hears me. I'm crumbling and no one sees it. I'm alone and unsure how to deal with this much longer... sometimes I just wish I wasn't me.