I have a problem. No judgement. Im in a bad place in life.

I have been so down and depressed. There are certain things in my life. Paths i have chosen. I have been in a serious relationship for over five years. I love him. I really do. But i crave the attention from others. I enjoy sex with men i hardly know. Its a rush. I love making them fall madly in love with me and cutting them off. And watching them beg for more. I have never noticed how much i enjoy this till recently. Im not sure if its something deeper. Am i messed up in the head. Should i seek help?

Is it ok to be fine with dying at age 23?

To cut eveyone out of your life cause you just want to be alone?

Late night text? The sex?

But deep down you really dont want the sex....you just need to feel something. You need pain in your life. Something to make you feel whole just for those few hours.

Is it normal to never cry?

To seek a sad life?

To want to feel used?

Is it even about the sex?

I dont wanna be here anymore. Its been so long and i need something to feel this pain but im stuck in this house. Trapped. No where to go and no one to turn to. I want to seek out old habits to fill the gap. But i promised myself i would never go back to that. Help me someone help me. This night is lonely and the songs are sad.