I'm a bit emotional today because I saw what I am pretty sure was a boy between 12-16 along the highway hitchhiking. It broke my heart. I couldn't get to him before someone else did. He had dirty dred locks and a baby face. I know he was just a boy and had been traveling awhile. We really need a better system for helping kids, teens, and homeless people. When I see and hear about kids being mistreated it makes me think of how unfair things can be. Four years ago I was newly married (a little over a year). All my friends and a lot of my family were having babies. I caught a bad case of baby fever! My then husband and I decided we would try for one of our own. We were house hunting and both had good jobs. It seemed like a great idea. A few months we tried and I cried when my monthly vistor came. Then one month it didn't come and I had a positive test! I was ecstatic! He was nervous and not as excited :-/. Then we went to the dr to be sure and I was so we told all our families. The guess was that I was around 6 weeks. Fast forward to when I should have been 14 weeks. Just a couple weeks shy of getting to hear the heart beat. I started spotting so I called my dr. Two weeks bed rest, blood work, an ultrasound, more blood work, and another ultra sound. No heart beat, no picture to keep (i did see the screen), and the numbers weren't good in my blood work. My options were pills to make me have a period or a dnc. I choose the surgery because the pills would make me feel like I did it myself (personal choice not best for everyone). I didn't want to loose my baby even though he or she was already gone. The baby didn't grow past 6 weeks. I was very sick. I had the dnc and my mom stayed with me. The ex wouldn't miss a days work for something like that. It was the hardest emotional thing I have ever had to go through alone. I had friends and family that tried to be there, but I pushed them all away. The person I wanted to be there just threw himself more into his own life. So I did what I had to do and found great resources like Hannah's hope a really good book to help me. Once I got out of that deep depression and my ex realized I wasn't going to be able to give him children. He took a day to go to an appointment with me and ask the dr. He got very mean and was mentally and emotionally hard to live with. I left him. He gave up on me long before I gave up on him though. He was married and expecting a baby with his weasel before the dissolution was official a year. I still miss my baby different days and seasons make me think about the loss. I cried today over a baby i never got to meet. Before the dnc they tell u not to make any major decisions for twenty four hrs. Afterwards they asked me a bunch of questions I would answer very differently now. I have no ashes, no death certificate, nothing but a terrible memory of the horrible day my pregnancy officially ended. I see stories that break my heart of things people do to their children. People who complain about getting pregnant or have abortions. Meanwhile I'm just here wishing I could have something to remember my baby by or even just my baby. I have two nephews and a god son born the same year. I was due in sept. They were born in may, july, and august. I see them and I love them and I am so thankful I get to watch them grow. It is hard sometimes because I can't help but think my baby won't ever do those things. I try not to think about the possibility of never getting to be a mom. I have considered foster parenting because I would like to help even if it's only for awhile. I work second shift and I probably don't make enough money for it. I can support myself, but extra mouths to feed probably aren't the best option for me right now. So hug your babies tighter and if you don't have any yet your not alone.