Pregnant with B.E.D
All of my life I have struggled with an eating disorder one way or another- I started off as a chubby kid- my parents divorced when I was only 4 and I sometimes wonder if my mom soothed us with food... By the age of 13 I was fed up with being the "fat girl" and decided to diet and lost about 110lbs! My diet had become an eating disorder and for a long time I struggled eating a very restrictive 200cal diet per day. After my mom found out and sought help for me, I started eating again, but this time I couldn't stop... It quickly developed into bulimia- I couldn't stop eating yet I felt so ashamed of it, so I would purge it. Well, around 16 years old I was diagnosed with epilepsy- I could no longer purge because it would send me into a seizure, so since then it's always been just strictly the BINGING aspect. But no purge. I was married at 20 years old and in just 3 years I have put on 100lbs which could make me scream. I am newly pregnant weighing in at a whopping 278 lbs- I am SO afraid that with my struggle with food and binging that I will put on so much more weight. I can not see 300 or I will lose my mind. My husband and i are ecstatic to be parents, and it's so easy for people to say "just think about baby, and their health" but what they can't grasp is that, this is a lifelong struggle for me, an addiction to FOOD- I feel that it is no longer a choice for me, that I've lost control. All that I DO want is to be healthy for baby! So that I can be happy! I want to be energetic and excited and feel good. But for me, it's the struggle of my mind, and the mind is so powerful, powerful enough that it's kept me trapped in this addiction for years, even though my heart is dying to just say "stop it!"-- I am so utterly disgusted thinking about my weight though. I just needed to vent..:
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