48 hours....
I'd like to start off by telling you about myself. I am 18 years old and my SO is 21. I have known he is the one for almost 5 years now. Recently we've given up birth control, yes I am young. I have always known I wanted to be a mama. Last week my breasts were unbelievably swollen, I had so much gas and he kept saying how crabby I was.
Thursday night we were having intercourse and he stopped to say "oh, it must be that time of the month." It was very bad. But I never bled the next day so I thought nothing of it.
Saturday, the 19th, I was getting ready to go to my second job. I saw a zit and of course I popped it. All of a sudden my face had a very noticeable bruise. I knew right then and there I had to have been pregnant. I never bruise. Sunday night I decided it was time to get a pregnancy test considering I was supposed to get it Monday anyway. I took the test that night because I knew there were two anyway. There was a faint positive. The next morning I took another and it was darker. I called the doctor and they told me to come in right away as soon as they heard I bled badly.
After I got my blood drawn, a long 30 minutes later the nurse brought me in. My gynecologist was out of Town so I had to see a new one. She looked me over until we got the blood results. All I remember was her saying "I'm worried. I'm very worried."
My HCG level was an 8, supposed to be in the thousands. She assured me that my little bean could have just been implanting but I knew it was a little late for that... I cried the entire way home on the phone with my mom who was also crying. I said to her "mom, I know pregnancy at my age wouldn't be the smartest thing ever but I can take care of him. I can. But a miscarriage would kill me."
...
Little did I know that Tuesday night, at 10 pm I would be bleeding. I couldn't fight the sobs. I was losing my baby. My tomatoe seed sized little man. My SO held me until he realized we can't just sit here and cry about it forever. We showered, I cried into the water for a good ten minutes. It was calming. I didn't care how faint I was becoming, it was helping. After getting out we then again went into the bed and all he asked was what do you want to do? And yes, my answer was go to Walmart. Get a fish. I didn't know what to do. He could barely understand me. But he loaded me up and we walked through Walmart. Finally he offered to go to Perkins. Sitting there, with eveyone around me either drunk or happy, I want to scream I am having a miscarraige! Not because I want attention but because no one ever realizes why the girl with no makeup on, watery eyes, and wet bed head looks like she's never slept. In between bites and stares I was cramping worse and worse. Finally we got home and crawled into bed to wake up in the morning and go to the doctor. My body is fine, but yes I am still bleeding after a week.. It got better but much worse. The blood is a reminder, a reminder that I knew I was a mother for 48 hours. And I was a damn good mother. I drank a lot of water 72 oz everyday to be exact. I took my vitamins. I wanted my bean to stick. No I needed him to stick. But he didn't. And life went on. We did get fish, 40 gallons, $400 later We are now owners of 2 "sharks" 2 angel fish and 2 eels. At petsmart I couldn't lift the bag of rocks (im weak) and the lady asked if I have a condition or bundle of joy on the way. I just smiled and shook my head. I put on a face, behind that smile I was broken. Not only do I have reminders every day. I have people around me who don't deserve children but have them. I went to work Thursday and a coworker said she had a dream I was pregnant. Can it get any worse? But it hasn't. It has gotten better. This happened for a reason. I believe it was a good reason. I loved and always will love my bean. I will be a good mother when the time comes. For now I will work on getting myself perfect before. I have goals now; home, wedding, and a fund for my baby. I was only a mother for 48 hours. And it made me a better person. I love my life, and everyone in it. And if you ever think you are ready for a baby, be able to handle a loss as well. Not that it will happen but realize it can. I didn't.
Baby dust to all of you. And I will be in the game again eventually, but for now I will focus on my love and I. Thank you for reading. 💛
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