He wanted me to commit to oral sex with him and I didn't want to but he forced me and eventually I just gave in, that was also my first time having oral sex, I never filed a report or told anyone, but now I'm in a relationship and I can't even think about having sex without the image of that guy taking my virginity without my permission. I felt incredibly stupid and useless to the situation and wish I could have done something different.

 My question is how do you deal with it? I think about it everyday and  I just feel dirty. When I shower I scrub my skin so hard that it becomes irritated just so I can no longer feel his touch on my body. I spent months after it happened contemplating whether we had sex or not because when I asked him he would give me confusing answers by first saying yes then he would say no and then he would say maybe. I could be overreacting but all facts point to the fact that we did have sex even when it was made perfectly clear having sex was not something I wanted to do... I need words.. Anything to make this empty disgusted feeling go away