My first pregnancy was unplanned. I was 17 and a senior in high school. I was terrified to tell my parents about my pregnancy because they had my big sister when they were teens and had preached against teenage pregnancy my entire life. Ergo, I decided to keep it to myself for as long as possible. I was young and naive and knew nothing about pregnancy. I didn't take prenatal vitamins because I didn't know they were a thing. I didn't know that there were things that you shouldn't eat. I really didn't research on the internet. I guess I was trying to convince myself that the baby wasn't real.

When I was 9 weeks and 3 days along, I began cramping and spotting. I didn't know what was going on. The next day I went to the bathroom in the early morning. I started hardcore bleeding. I was in a panic and called for help. My cousin, who had been living with us at the time, ran into the bathroom and called 911.

I had miscarried my baby on February 17, 2009. Lab results showed that the baby was a girl. I decided to call her Faith. It was a very traumatic ordeal for everyone involved, especially since no one knew about her. I felt do idiotic and guilty for her passing.

I got married to the most amazing man in when I was 20. I got myself educated on pregnancy, and then we conceived fraternal TWINS! We were so thrilled to be bringing not one, but two lives into the world. We told our families at 10 weeks (past the gestation of my miscarriage) and the rest of the world at 12 weeks.

We went in for an ultrasound at 17.5 weeks. We were so excited because we would be finding out their genders at this one. The ultrasound started, and she looked at "Baby A." She got silent and moved on to "Baby B." She looked without saying anything for about ten minutes before she got the doctor. He looked for about five minutes. Then he turned the machine off. He looked our direction, but not directly at us, and said, "Neither of your babies have a heartbeat. I'm so sorry, they're gone."

My world shattered. I had my entire life with my twins planned out in my head. We had already painted the nursery, bought car seats, and scheduled the gender reveal party. I felt like I was a failure, and a horrible mother and overall person.

I was induced that evening. I went all natural, because I wanted to feel physical pain for what my body failed to do. On December 4, 2013, our twins were born still. Baby A was a girl. We named her Aubrey Gabrielle. Baby B was a little boy. We named him Carson Gabriel. We held a memorial service for them four days later, and buried them amongst other deceased family members. We all released two balloons, one pink and one blue, with prayers and scriptures and letters written to our sweet angels.

I am currently 8.4 weeks along with Rainbow (God willing). I am terribly anxious. We have yet to tell anybody. We don't know when to tell. Part of me wants my baby to be known, but part of me wants to wait until Rainbow is like five years old. Whatever happens I know my three angels, Faith, Aubrey, and Carson, are safe and happy. I just don't feel like my womb is a safe place for Rainbow.

Thanks for people who read my story. I know some women don't like to discuss miscarriages and stillbirth while pregnant, but this is how I am coping; We all do it differently.