After years and years of trying I think I need to just give up.

I have always believed that when specific prayers go unanswered, THAT is your answer. It wasnt what was right for you. I have come to understand it, and when I look back on the majority of unanswered prayers, I see that by NOT having things work out the way I wanted them to was the best thing for me.

The one thing though, that I REFUSE to believe us not the right thing for me, is having a baby.

We have been trying for 10 years. Labs for both of us come back good. We even spent a crap ton of money on hormones and treatments with no results.

I just dont get it. I am not saying that I deserve to have a baby more than someone else.. every woman, should they choose, should be able to conceive, carry, birth, and raise a child of their own. I just dont understand why I am not allowed to.. why it doesnt seem to be in my cards.

I am 36 now.. getting closer and closer to 37 with every breath I take.

The Pastor at my church told me that sometimes some people are not meant to bear their own children but they are meant to help mentor and support the children of others.

No.

Just. No.

I refuse to believe that being the person I am.. taking the things I take.. dealing with everyone else and their problems and issues.. I refuse to believe that the ONE thing I have prayed for since I was 8yrs old is not meant for me.

I refuse to believe it.

I dont want to lose all hope but I dont want this to make me a bitter person.

I just want my chance...

10 years and not even a positive pregnancy test.. 10 years of monthly Big Fat Negatives..

I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.