I knew the person I was wasn't a good one . I partied all the time and I didn't realize the effect I had on so many people . I flirted with a married man when my boyfriend was mean to me . His wife found out and it was a wake up call . Who do I want to be ? I know I can't party because there's no inbetween . I am a recovering drug addict so there's no such thing as a few beer . I will be up and out for days . So I don't go out . I haven't in a year and a half. I hardly see my friends. I work and I come home . I don't dress up because he says I look for attention (which the old me actually did) but I get it . I've made mistakes before . I've never actually cheated on him . I flirted with that guy (who I worked with) so my bf didn't trust me at work . I quit that job when I found another one . He has cheated on me with his ex . He's mean to me half of the time . Literally everything I say is a lie . He says it even when he's joking .  everything that comes out of my mouth I get  back a "yah right" or "liar" or "stop telling lies" . I do not text call or anything with guys . I am a HEO so I work with men . But at my new job I made sure they were old and my friends dads and stuff . 

Anyway he got off night shift today from where I worked before asking me if I knew a name . Which I honestly don't , maybe I would recognize the face . Biut we worked on a site with nearly 3000 people . He says he knows the difference he tried and I'm a liar . That I can pack my shit and leave. 

I know that I should . Because he has no respect for me . He doesn't see how he hurts me every single day . I bend over backwards for him . I honesty believe he has bipolar .  

we've been friends since we were 5 . The same kindergarden class . 

I just hate to start all over . I love him , the him that's good to me so much . 

I need to leave but I just can't . I have no where to go . And this is my home. 

I've left many times and came back , I know he will regret it when I'm gone but I need to go . And just let him suffer . I know after the initial heart break I will be fine . Because I feel like I can't do anything right with him . No matter what I do . So just the freedom to feel good about myself again . My friends want me out of this my family does . His family even tells me I don't deserve it and they only know a half of it . No one knows everything . 

I feel isolated and weak . 

And I don't know how to get my backbone back