I normally love the holiday season. The decorations, the happy feelings, the happy thoughts.

I cant find them.

I have been so stressed all summer and I THOUGHT it would have gotten better, like it normally does, during this time of year but uts not.. its just getting worse.

Im angry, moody, upset, weepy, exhausted ALl the time. I dont want to go to work because I am unhappy there but I dont want to come home because I have to pretend to be happy there.

My husband doesnt get it. If I am unhappy in front of him he automatically gets all pissy so I have to pretend to be happy and get him out of his funk.

Its tiring.

I barely talk to or see my friends because, although I dont have to pretend in front of them, I know they worry about me and I dont want to burden them. They all have their own lives and their own problwms.. so I just stay available in case they need to vent.

I am to the point where I just want to go to sleep.. go to sleep and wake up when all of this is past me but unless I figure out a way to change it, it wont happen.

I feel like I am drowning and I cant find the surface.

A woman today came up to me because I wasnt smiling like I normally do. She said, "When God closes a door he opens a window" I ACTUALLY said to her, "Yeah, to give us something to jump out of."

I actually said that...

I felt so terribke for saying it but then I realized that I felt like it was true.

I know that others have it so much worse than I do.. I try to focus on the things I have and the ways I am blessed but it hard. Its hard to see those things when you feel like you cant find them.

Its difficult to be this down.. It hasnt been this bad in years.. I just feel like no matter how I try to fix it or change it.. it just keeps getting worse.