I hate ectopics.

Had an ectopic pregnancy this summer. I hate it. All of it. Tainted my first experience getting pregnant. Made me scared of getting pregnant again. Made me stressed about chances of getting pregnant again. Made me jealous of every friend announcing her pregnancy. Made me upset every month that goes by when I'm not pregnant again, and yet I WAS pregnant. I HAD a fetus. There was once in there. And it's not anymore. How come I had one and I haven't gotten another one yet? I hate how it changed how I feel about getting pregnant. Before it was a fun thing, to take it as it goes, we'll get pregnant when we get pregnant. And now I feel stressed about it. I have one less tube to work with now. My body feels different, my cycle seems different. Is it from the surgery or are my hormones just changing? I feel like I might be pregnant, but there I'm bleeding again, is this another ectopic or am I just having an early period. Better go back to the doctor and pay a bunch of bills just to hear her tell me that I'm not pregnant and that I'm just having a weird cycle. Is there no clarity or relief in being a woman?

I just hate every bit of ectopic pregnancy.

I have two scars on my stomach. Still bright pink. There every day reminding me of that one time I went to the doctor for my ultrasound and she sent me to get emergency surgery. That I had to call my mom in the car on the way there to tell her that I was pregnant but they're about to cut it out of me and take my tube with it. All in one phone call. I was shocked and frightened and sad and on top of that I had to figure out how to tell my mother these two very important things in just a ten minute car ride? What the hell?

I hate this. I hate this whole, stupid thing. I hate feeling this way. I hate feeling ashamed of being this upset when there are others all over the world with far worse problems. And then I hate feeling ashamed of grieving my own personal issues. I hate that my ectopic did that to me.

I hate that this is where I am. An ectopic pregnancy did this to me. I cry all the time. If I'm not distracting myself, I start thinking about it and I cry. It's stupid.

I hate ectopic pregnancy. And it's always going to be part of me now. Ugh. Wth?