My boyfriend for almost 3 years broke up with me awhile ago. I was devastated, trying to get him back, doing anything I could. Till one day he was telling me he wanted to fuck someone else, I freaked out, broke something, and he called the cops. I can't talk to him anymore (court orders). After 2 years he started making me hate myself. I can't look in the mirror anymore. Worthless, gross, whore, stupid, useless, loose, fat and so much more. I was drinking & crying myself to sleep for weeks, even started cutting again after being clean for 1 1/2 years.

I thought I finally got over him. I still thought about him 24/7 but I stopped crying and everything. Now, it's hitting me again. I'm breaking down and all I want is him. I started drinking. And I'm debating on cutting again. I don't want to feel anymore. 

Everyone always told me that he was no good for me for treating me like that and I know I don't deserve it. But fuck, I love him. I thought I was in love before but after meeting him I knew I never actually felt love. He was my bestfriend, my everything. And I know this all sounds cliché but I really mean it.

I don't want to love him anymore. I want to get over him. But I can't. I don't know what to do, I'm scared. I started drinking and I don't want to cut but I feel like there's no choice. I just want it to end.