I am not happy. Severe depression. I am so lost I feel like I have no purpose. I just am so confused. I loved one man since I met him. He loved me. I was a virgin until 17_19. He was so in love with me, took me to prom promised to marry me. He gave me a promise ring. I meant everything to him. We were madly in love we were jealous paranoid about cheating. He wanted me all to himself it was unhealthy. He tried kidnapping me locking me in his basement to keep me, he cut my leg. He was sentenced two years domestic violence. I was severely depressed. I went from 135lbs up to 180lbs I could not socialize any more. I was scared and I wanted him there it was driving me nuts, I thought I loved him. I stayed away. But I was so lonely and empty. Every where I went I imagine a life with him again. Most of all I wanted to know why he cut me with a knife. He found me online so I called at the end of two years to get closure. I was so in love with him he lured me in all the romantic big gestures until one day we fought and he said he couldn't be near me when he was angry that's how he controlled his anger he promised to never hurt me. He became so hard he never cried he never held me he was so cold. But he said he loved me but I deserved some one better. I was so broken, I needed his safety and his love. It helped me out, I was able to smile for the first time in two years. I was able to talk to people again and able for others to touch me again. Handshake or a hug. Etc. This had left a deep wound in me. He tried breaking up but I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him, I couldn't live without him. I tried and tried fixing the relationship I don't understand what was wrong. I kept getting distance from him. We still made love and that was the only time we were close. I got pregnant. He never looked at me how he used to now he noticed me now he cared. I just wanted more time more affection but everything fell apart. All his lies. Pornography addiction, he was using and selling drugs was how he coped, he said he doesn't believe in God. But I think he does! Just I wanted him to change my father was a alcoholic growing up, I was worried he would be doing this in front of a infant especially the porn scared me I didn't want him masturbating on front of the baby left home alone you know. I didn't know how our sex life would be if this was already happening. I just didn't feel good enough naked in front of him or anyone. I just trusted him and kept getting hurt. I would set so many things to get better because honestly, I think porn is adultery but he would download 30videos in one day just I didn't know what to do, how can I be happy or have sex with him after seeing that. So he said he stopped it gets worse started hiding everything, his cellphone, where he was at he just was over me always bugging him about it. But he never fixed his end delete don't download. Or don't watch at all and be committed to me mentally and physically. So he took me camping to apologize for everything. It was so beautiful. I thought we were going to make it. I found out he went to the casino, I found more pornography, he was locking his phone and disappearing every weekend. As you have noticed relationship is all about him, I was pregnant about three months. I wanted to be loved, I wanted dates and baby talk about getting the crib shopping together, having fun together. He got the cold feet before the wedding. He wanted freedom, he started calling friends and just decided he was more important. Tried breaking up, told me oh I'll send you checks don't worry. No reason, I can't believe it after years he wants a family wants marriage kids he does this. Says so many hurtful things. I broke up but I had a dream mommy where's daddy Christmas, Easter, birthdays, every day I wanted him there for our son or daughter. I called him we worked everything out but now he's even more busy working to buy drugs and his stuff a bed a car just smh he uses the baby as a excuse how is a two door sports car safe for a child! At least buy the baby car seat if you are going to be a liar. I have about had it with him, think he's cheating. So I'm staying the night he just is tossing me around like a rag doll I'm pregnant and he goes to the bathroom I'm searching for my cellphone to escape and I go ask him hey where's my cellphone he tried to piss on me! It gets worse, I call the cops but I'm thinking its a mistake. I just don't understand why the lies why say I love you everything will be okay then ignore me every free day I just don't understand the hurt thinking some one loves you he broke up with me on my birthday. :/ I just hate feeling like this so vulnerable. I wish he could of treated me better. I wish I never went with him at seventeen maybe my life would have gone better. Just I don't know I can't explain the love I feel for him its almost like witch craft. Like I'm bewitched. At one time I broke up with him he told me he sold his soul to the devil so I can love him forever. Is this possible a deal with the devil. I'm 22 I just feel so dead inside like my confidence personality vanished, this guy was my life. He was my David. He was the only man I wanted to love for the next 30years. I feel so betrayed broken and neglected. This was our first baby. My first love. So I just feel sick to my stomach. I can't sleep at night. How do you live without your other half. I think he wants out of the relationship. I wish I could make him happy, I wish I was everything he is to me and more. I'm so lost about my purpose and how I treat people, how should I treat others. How do I trust. I'm in a bad situation. I love my parents but I have so much anger towards everything. I'm depressed. I feel worried about my folks they are old and I'm really worried about their health. My German shepherd she was 16 18years old passed away she meant so much to me. I just feel like the world is against me I'm fighting every one. I'm tired of fighting I just want to give up but I can't. I feel so hurt by him. So the police are pressing charges against him. I think I should give up either way he was already checked out just couldn't explain his reasons. He couldn't change for me. I don't know I feel betrayed. Like either way he's living his life. Happy stealing doing drugs. I'm the one who lays awake, I'm the one crying. A check would be nice so I can stop losing hair about how much everything cost! He deserves to be in prison 25 years for almost killing me two years ago and ruining my life mental health. But now I don't know what he deserves only God can judge us. I feel torn about this I feel guilty for sending him to jail I just keep blaming myself and I have no one I can talk to. I just am so depressed, I don't want to get out of bed. I just don't know where my future is. I want to make people happy and smile. I want to be social again. But my parents I feel like they have had it hard raising me for years they deserve some happiness not seeing there daughter not accomplish anything. They deserve to travel and be old. I feel bad, like it was my boyfriend and mine our responsibility to raise these kids not my parents. It was supposed to be 50/50 work not me pulling the hard work. I just hate cowards. I hate men who leave woman in the poverty because its one income instead of two. Emotional betrayal child well being. I don't understand how men support women I have seen men work full time or two jobs and make money for bills cellphone, house,gas,electric, car so why do women struggle to support with one baby and herself? Is it child care or what? Is this the struggle men think about. The cause of drinking or cheating or leaving to escape the financial stresses? Ugh honestly being a adult is so hard. Honestly I need prayers for a well paying job. For direction in life and to meet a good man. I wish God could fix everything that has happened and this man can be in love with me and we could be a happy family. I don't know he's done so much wrong towards me. I just can't figure out to pray for my enemy love thy enemy or pray for myself and fight like David and beat my goliath. If you ladies can post encourage words of God or give me a email to a Christian pastor wife. Or preacher just some one you think I can talk to who can lead me on a better path. Christmas is around the corner Virgin Mary she was able to do this all even though Joseph was there she was strong I wish my man could of been my Joseph and maybe if I had prayed instead of worried thing could of been different but I believe in God I believe we all have a chance to do things better. Please keep me in your prayers