Until recently... The last couple of years I have been finding myself getting more and more comfortable with it. I had to wait until I KNEW I was ready. Even with all the friends and family always asking when we were having kids I Knew that I wouldn't let them pressure me because I had to wait until I was completely ready. Well after much consideration I finally felt like I could DO it. But not just that I could do it but that I WANTED TO. I was SO excited about it! 

So we decided to start trying. We tried for 3 months! That's it!! And on the 3rd month we got pregnant and let me tell you...it was the most incredible moment of my life! I was changed in that instant. I knew with complete certainty that I did the absolute best thing for me which was to wait all these years to decide to have kids. Because in that moment when I saw a positive on that pregnancy test, all that waiting to be ready was so worth seeing two lines and being overwhelmed with joy! 

So I was pregnant. My husband and I were on cloud nine. Our home was overflowing with excitement and love. 

Then the bleeding came. And the urgent care appointment and all the ultrasounds and blood tests. When we got the news that the numbers weren't good, we both cried. He held me and told me we would be ok. I cried but didn't recognize the sounds coming out of me. It was the worst day of my life. Then the next night I actually had the miscarriage. 

This was really happening. To me. To my husband. To our little orange seed. It was painful in every way pain can be manifested. I ached physically. Badly. But worse was the knowledge that I would never emotionally be the same again. And as I lie there even after the physical pain had subsided slightly I felt that I would never quite be normal again. 

Yes we would try again. But no longer are we going to be the same giddy, naive, people that just expected that everything would work out perfectly. There will be more caution. More worry. 

I hope next go round will be successful for us. 

I hope I can do this again. 

I hope I will feel happy soon. 

For now I will let myself cry when I walk into the would-have-been nursery. Or when I hear a sweet song. Or when I put my hand on my belly and hope that time will heal me and my darling husband. I just needed to get my thoughts out so that I can start to process all that has happened and all that has changed me to become a stronger person. Thanks for reading if you got this far.