I sit here rocking my almost 18 month old sweet baby girl to sleep I have so many mixed emotions running through my mind. For starters, I am forever grateful and thankful to have her in my life. She came to my husband and I just 41 short weeks after our wedding and has lit up our world everyday since then. But another piece of me feels broken.  Empty. Sad. And terrified. 2 weeks ago I surprised my husband with a positive pregnancy test. We'd only been semi trying for about three months so this one was a little bit of a shock to us as well, but we were both elated nonetheless. Well 2 days ago I began having some brownish spotting. Also happened in my first pregnancy which led us to find that I am rH-  thinking that must be the case this time I called my dr office to come in right away. Got there. Talked to the dr (who isn't my typical dr, she was off that day) gave her the run down on my past she checked me out and everything seemed to be okay, until the ultrasound. Four words every expectant mother never wants to hear "I don't see anything". She goes on to explain that it's ok. I might be earlier that I thought blah blah blah. I chalked it up to " she's not my real dr. Obviously she doesn't know me the way my dr does" she had me go do blood work and I was intructed to come back the next day for my Rhogam shot and the the dr would call me with regards to my blood work. Fast forward. Shot done... Waiting waiting waiting. Finally phone rings. It's my dr. So good to hear her voice, she delivered my first surely she will fix this... I hear it in her tone immediately. "I'm so sorry, Megan. It doesn't look good. But we will stay positive and see what numbers look like tomorrow. We never made it to that second appointment. I woke at 6 am this morning in pain. My back hurt my stomach hurt. I rolled out of bed and headed to the bath room where I said goodbye to what was supposed to be my second child. I went back to bed where my husband and daughter were fast asleep and cried and cried. When I looked at her face I cried some more. I feel like a piece of my hear was stolen from me. I feel like a piece of me is empty somehow. And all the while I feel selfish. Here I am with this perfect, beautiful baby girl when there are plenty of women who don't ever get to experience motherhood. I don't understand it all. I don't understand how I could miss something so much, that I never actually had. How something like this could happen to me; I am a good person and a really good mom. A firmed said to me. " at least it happened now and not later, it would hurt more later" while I can't speak to that since this is my first loss, I do know one thing; this hurts. It hurt bad. It's a pain that I have never ever felt before (and I've been through some sh**) I don't want pity , I don't want to hear that the pain will go away. I just want to know that I'm not alone in all the feelings that I'm feeling. The loneliness that I'm feeling right not is rough. Sorry for the long rant ladies. Just knew that I could find some comfort in those who have felt this pain.