When we arrived at 6 am to check in, the only other person in admissions was a woman checking in for what must have been her scheduled induction or c-section.  She walked in with her perfect round belly and her husband carrying a suitcase and a boppy.  That was like a punch in the gut and I started crying right away.  The admissions lady hugged me tight, the front receptionist hugged me tight, and the nurse on my hallway received me with such kindness as I walked into the prep room sobbing.  

Everyone from my RN to anesthetist to the surgeon herself hugged me, held my hand, offered kind words, checked on my husband and offered him comfort, just everything we could have asked for.  Feeling really cared for made what was a hellish experience more bearable.

I don't remember anything after I was wheeled to the OR; I remember seeing the ceiling and thinking it was cold in there but the next thing I recall is the surgeon hugging me in the recovery room.  My husband said I came out of sedation super groggy and that I asked the same question no less than 10 times ("did you get it all?") but that staff said it's normal to repeat questions when waking up.

Since coming home I have bled very little.  I thought I would feel an internal ache but instead I hurt more on the exterior of my vagina.  It burns quite a bit and urinating burns a LOT.  I think this is from the urinary catheter.  I have taken 1 dose of Percocet and waiting for 3 am to get here so I can take a second dose and let it kick in before I try to pee again.

Emotionally I felt a little bit better after the D&C; just the relief of it being over.  Although 3 days ago I was sobbing to the doctor that I didn't want to try again for a baby, I felt an overwhelming feeling after the procedure that I do want to try at least once more.  It is awful and emotional but I think (THINK) I could be strong enough to go through this process again.  I really want to be a mommy.

Well, I AM a mommy actually; just have to remember that this little life mattered and was real and was loved for those 9 weeks and 5 days.

Thanks everyone for the love.  If anyone reading is going through this and wants to talk, please reach out to me.  💔❤️🌈🙏🏼