Porn? (May be a long story)!
So I saw another topic of this and I wanted to put my side of things out there, as to why my boyfriend watching porn used to get me upset.
It used to bother me loads when we first got together but let me explain:
It never used to be a problem to me, and before this certain thing happened, I would've ignored it. But a month or a little longer into being together, I was playing on his phone while he was laying on my belly playing Xbox, I was changing his Facebook status and Twitter to say silly things like "I really like men" etc, you know, childish stuff lol
I was looking for more things to mess around on and came across Dropbox, well at the time I didn't know what it was, so I clicked the app thinking it was a social network or something.
Anyway it opened and there was loads of folders and I realised it was a picture storing thing. I noticed one folder said "Sarah" which was his exes name. Underneath was a folder with my name on it. I clicked the Sarah one and found loads of photos and videos of them when they were together, and I mean sexual videos of them. So that upset me and I couldn't stop thinking about it. He took me home and didn't know what was wrong because I didn't tell him. He must've worked out what I'd seen and text me apologising and said he didn't know it was still on there, etc etc. We're past that now, but it upset me because she had massive boobs (stupid reason to be upset, I know) and I thought he kept the videos and stuff because he didn't like my body, wanted to watch her, etc. I just felt so insecure and didn't like getting naked around him anymore, which then led me to look at him watching porn as if it were those videos of them.
It sounds so stupid and immature now, but I felt like porn just reminded me of those videos I found and I thought (stupidly) that porn was the same as the videos of them. I upset myself several times, I'd genuinely be a sobbing mess, I'd be crying to the point where I couldn't breathe, I'd keep asking him what was wrong with me, why didn't he love me, why I wasn't good enough, I'd start walking home at 3am along busy roads(I live a 15 minute drive from him), I'd tell him how disgusting it was, I'd spend an hour sobbing before I could bring myself to shower and didn't even want to look at my body because I felt so ugly and I could tell it was taking its toll on our relationship.
I'm over it all now, I know he doesn't watch porn to think of her but at the time it was so hard to understand why he'd kept the videos of her when we were together. Whether he forgot or not is no longer an issue, it's done with now and he's long deleted all that crap. It made me so insecure and I just felt like I couldn't be what he wanted. I felt like he wanted something else or someone else and I let myself over think it to the point where it was genuinely destroying my mental state. I let it eat away at me for well over a year, it was a genuinely horrible time for me, but I loved him so much I couldn't ever bring myself to leave, even though I'd said I would. I knew deep down that it wasn't that big a deal but I couldn't stop myself making it a problem.
There was nothing he could do, I'd asked him to stop watching it several times but I'd always find out he'd watched it again. I'd ask him if he's watched it (knowing he had) and he'd sometimes lie, until I showed him that I knew. I ended up telling him I don't want to know when he's watched it, I don't want to find out that he's watched it, I don't want to hear about it or anything, BUT if I asked him, I didn't want him to lie about it to me. I never ask about it anymore and he does keep it to himself, and to be honest, I don't care too much anymore. But he could see it was upsetting me, so could everyone else and he asked what he could do to help because he knew I needed help. I told him I just needed to know that he loved me and that I'd need him to just care about me, help me build myself back up, listen to me when I had bad days and just try to help me get back to myself again.
I'm doing better now. I do have my bad days but I'm no where near as bad as I was, I was at breaking point. I know I couldn't have dealt with much more, and I knew I had to sort myself out, I couldn't have done it without my boyfriends help and my two lovely best friends helping me.
So before anyone thinks I was just being a jealous bitch about porn or whatever, just try to understand where I'm coming from. I was 17 when we got together, I'm 20 in December. I just had a hard time dealing with the videos of his ex AND then having to find him watching porn, my head tried to make it something that it wasn't! Just wanted to share my side of things lol and if anyone has any opinions, stories, advice or whatever, feel free to share em too.
Comment
Add Comment
Let's Glow!
Achieve your health goals from period to parenting.
