You say you dont want another child, even though I told you, on our second date, that I wanted to get married and have a baby and you said you would want another one. You let me believe, FOR YEARS, that you wanted one.. so we tried, and tried, and tried, with no positive results.

So, after YEARS of watching me cry month after month, year after year... watching me HATE myself and almost have a nervous breakdown due to the ANGER I felt towards myself...

After all this, you have said you really never wanted a baby and you were glad it hasnt worked. That you were only trying because you love me and you wanted me to be happy eventhough it would make you miserable.

I didnt know what to do.. I spoke to my therapist.. I continue to speak to my therapist.. I am trying to work on moving on.

I had to come to a very difficult decision. I made this decision after really taking a good look at myself.

I have wanted a child since I can remember.. I always wanted to be a mother. I'm not your child's mother, eventhough I have been here and a role model for YEARS, she is not mine.

I have come to the decision that I love you enough to work on letting that dream go.

It is not an easy fix... its not something I can just stop wanting. I will ALWAYS want a child of my own.. I can promise you this though.. I will do my best not to resent you for this. I will do my best not to hate you when I am old and alone and you have been long gone.

I know you have said that your daughter is my daughter. She isnt. She has made that very clear from the first day I met her when she was just 6 years old and so has her mother. I may be your wife and legally her step mother.. but no matter what I have done or have tried to do.. I am always on the outside.

I just wish, I just wish that for ONE MOMENT, you would see this from my point of view. See what it would mean to me to have a child, with the man that I love more than anything. Being able to create such a life would be a blessing for me.. it would be my greatest accomplishment.

Its not fair... its not fair at all.

I know though that life isnt fair..

I feel like a part of me is missing or void.. I dont feel like a real person. I feel as though I am just doing the same shit, day in and day out and then I will die.

Just a heads up honey... IT SUCKS BALLS.

Today is a bad day.. my decision is weighing on me today.. but I need to suck it up, put the fake smile on my face, and do what needs to be done.