Yesterday morning I started miscarying. I wasn't bleeding much and it didn't hurt much, but I went into the clinic and my baby was still there, but not alive. I had been warned to prepare for miscarriage 2 weeks ago, so I have done all of my grieving already (while worrying and praying. Starting over is not fair. I've wanted this baby for 5 years! I'm doing okay as long as I don't think about how much longer I have to wait or as long as no one looks at me sadly. That instantly gets me). I wanted to pass on what I have learned. This isn't my first misscarriage, but it is the first one far enough along for doctors to even intervene. I've gleaned so much info!

1) if you have had more than 3 miscarriages, ask if there is a high risk doctor. He isn't the same as the fertility specialist. I've met with the RE for 6 months. NOW my doctor tells me I should have met with the high risk doc at the same time. I've had 8 miscarriages but no one cared until now. Did you know that if a baby dies before week 6 they don't even consider you pregnant? That ticks me off! All (even this one died at 5.5 weeks. My body just held onto it for that long) of my miscarriages have been that early of my miscarriages have been early on.

2)if you think you know the problem, fight for it. This pregnancy has taught me that in spades! As I told you, I've had 8 miscarriages that the medical profession doesn't even care about. When I told them what I thought was wrong, they said what I was saying doesn't even exist. I finally got a doc to run tests. He proved me right. My body doesn't make hcg quickly. I double, but I basically double at 1. It takes me forever to get a medical positive. I ALSO have low progesterone that likes to drop on its own. All the docs told me one or the other, no way it's both. If it's both, you're just not preggers. Until they saw the tests proving both things in my bloodwork. Between that and losing babies "before they'll even consider me pregnant," I've been blessed that this one lasted long enough (the put me on progesterone when they finally believed me about my first impossibility), to prove that all the other miscarriages existed. This miscarriage felt the EXACT same way. When I could tell them what I would be feeling next, etc etc the doc finally agreed it was time for a specialist. Trust yourself. Trust tour body. Take a step of the problem at a time. Prove that step to be true or undeniably false. Then take the next. It's slow (agonizingly slow. Painfully slow. Unfairly slow), but it gets it done and done right.

3)miscarriage at the first 6 weeks is painful, but like a bad period. Miscarriage any later is like labor that gives you nothing to push or work toward. Your body cramps. Hard. It is contractions. But there is less for it to contract so it hurts more. I started bleeding in the morning. By 5, when they finally wheeled me back for the d&c, I was just BARELY getting a taste of what it would have been like to miscarry on my own. They weren't bad... but I still felt like my body was stabbing itself from the inside. As I was waiting they were almost to the double-over-it hurts stage. And the doctor told me if I had not come in, my body would have tried that for at least a week! That I was just barely at the beginning after a whole day. Like not even 10% through it. After the procedure, I'm only spotting. I took the 1 pain pill they gave me, and all I am is tired. No cramping (maybe a little tender like I had a hard workout yesterday). My only proof of what I endured yesterday is the bandaid on my arm from the Rhogam shot, the scabs from the IV, and a scratchy throat from the tubes. I 100% advocate waiting to prove your pregnancy isn't viable. I did. And I'm glad I did. I gave that baby every chance and I learned to trust my body. It showed it knew exactly what to do to stay pregnant and help the baby out. It also proved that it knew what to do when it knew the placenta wasn't taking over on schedule. Definitely wait to make sure your baby isn't viable. But when you are sure, get a d&c. The risks are pretty much the same unless your doctor messes up. But if he doesnt, he can do a neater job than your body (which was designed to push out full-size babies, not almond-sized). It's faster, and for me, recovery time went from weeks to days (he still says recovery is 2 weeks, but I'm much happier spending those 2 weeks without doubling over in pain and bleeding buckets and buckets). Also, he was on the inside! He got to see visually if there was a problem that could have caused this. He got to collect my baby and it didn't get flushed down the toilet. I know it's getting tested on, now (I signed up for it. It sounds sad and heartless but they can test the placenta to figure out why I can't get a baby to grow) but I don't have to watch it. I don't have to SEE it. That's so so so not fair. It's so painful. Trust me.

4) tell your peeps when you are ready to tell them. About any of it. The happy and the sad. My mom has no clue I was pregnant. She also has no clue I miscarried. I'm okay with that. I love her, but because I love her I think it best she not know. She has hurt for me for 4.5 years because of infertility. This would have been too much. On the other hand, my MIL and FIL found out yesterday that I had lost the baby without even knowing I was pregnant. They are not always nice people, so we were going to wait to tell them about pregnancy. But when I had to go in for surgery, I needed support. My husband travels for work sometimes and was in another state trying to get a flight home. I also needed someone to know it was real! (Now I'm tearing up. It WAS real guys! Shout it to the world. Out of all the yuck a miscarriage is, that's the hardest part). Someone to mourn and love my baby besides my husband and I. I am so glad for that support. I'm so glad that they were what I needed instead of ridding me with guilt because I couldn't keep it. Don't tell those people. Even if it is your family. Tell the ones who will have your back. When you are ready to let them know.

5) if you are religious, pray. Talk to the diety you believe in. Even if you are not religious, find peace. You will need it. This hell I have just been though was nothing because the peace I feel took it for me. Light swallows up darkness. Hope calms fear.

Anyway, good luck ladies. July will be a hard month for me. Hope I'll be back in a few months.

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